Category: The Happiness Files

What Was Your Secret to Having a Long Marriage? First Responses

Hello again, when I published the request for questions last month I was a bit surprised at the responses, and also that I could comment on each one. Several had lessons that struck me from our life together, Barbara and I, running a business together, and growing old together.

You’ll recall the questions was essentially, if you stayed together a long time, what were the circumstances under which you stayed together. In our case, Barbara and I were married for 56 years and she passed away in 2019 from a combination of cancer and Alzheimer’s.

So, now come along 3 or 4 people I actually knew who responded and I thought some comments from me, based on my experience with Barbara, might be helpful.

So, here goes.

Response #1:

Thanks for the memories, Jim!

Actually, when we worked together,

I called you so that I could listen to and speak with Barbara!

Cheers

Comment:

Yes, you and hundreds of other friends and clients every year. If you think back about your calls, if I was in, you wound up talking to me usually withing 30 seconds, whether you wanted to or not. That was her goal for every call. It’s what set us apart from the big guys . . . eventually you got to speak to some helpful person. Within a minute of reaching us you were talking to me.

The bigger the agency the less likely your account person was even selected in the first week.

Barbara and I were committed to getting you something in writing with 24 hrs of your call . . . Being first to connect and respond often helped us get and keep the business. Especially when the bigger firms had to make excuses about their proposal or other key information was delayed. Our stuff was on their desk the next morning . . .from me.

By the time the competitor’s stuff arrived I was at another level and talking budget.

She remembered everyone, their dog’s name, their mother’s infected toe. Always effusively happily. Her mother Ruth was the happiest woman I have ever known, and she spread it around.

Barbara was the second happiest person I have ever known. I know where she got it from . . . totally genuine and real.

Barbara’s real rapport with everyone compensated for my frequent hermit-like behavior. The point is that everything she did was targeted to getting me and the client together, making progress every time there was contact.

Her life and efforts were always committed to what I needed. I never even realized this for the

first several years we were married. Guys can be really dense.

Every year we were together, her commitment to me and my work deepened. That meant for me that every moment we were together, which was almost every moment, I wanted to find ways to acknowledge and actively cherish her efforts. We each found ways every day to acknowledge our loving dependence on each other.

She worked mainly in the office, tended to our two growing boys, making their lives interesting.  Taught sewing with knits at the local Junior College. Both boys worked in our business for some of their teen years. As the years passed, and these two amazing kids did things we never thought about. We would frequently ask , “where did you learn that?” Invariably they would point at one or both of us.

Whenever she did come with me, I made it a point to caringly introduce her and mention some specific critical task she was working on for me that day.

Response #2:

  1. Discuss without the intention of controlling or winning the outcome.
  2. Share household responsibilities, especially the “dirty work” of laundry, clearing the dinner table, washing the dishes, scrubbing the bathroom, taking out the garbage, etc.
  3. In bed, hug warmly to absorb the good pheromones. Do it with the kids, too.
  4. Never force sex and say thank you after.
  5. Talk, talk, talk, don’t argue, argue, argue.
  6. Put your list of agreed-upon, cooperative to-dos on the refrigerator door as a gentle, not provocative, reminder.

Comment:

This is pretty negative.

Barbara and I recognized early on the corrosive and coercive power of negative language. The language above is filled with threats of some harmful result if . . .what?

The reality came for us with Barbara’s first pregnancy. By herself, she determined that if she was going to be pregnant it was going to be a happy experience. But then the relatives, friends, neighbors, colleagues, even total strangers on the bus, or in a store kept showing up with horror stories.

Our decision here was one of the most consequential of our lives together.

No second chances for these negative purveyors of pain and suffering. They were gone. Pronto. Period. We never missed one of them nor did we again fret over handling Uncle Harvey’s abusive behavior. He was gone.

Here’s my take on this couples togetherness plan:

  1. Discuss the intention of finding a mutually peaceful result…and really find it.
  2. Share all household responsibilities. Make an alphabetic list of all tasks and assign them fairly.
  3. In bed, hug warmly to absorb the good pheromones. Do it with the kids, too.
  4. Encourage sex, make it happy, be grateful, and accept all refusals or deferrals lovingly and joyfully.
  5. Talk, talk, talk, listen, listen, listen. Rely on Barbara’s Eight Ingredients of Happiness at all times. 
  6. Post your list of agreed-upon, cooperative to-dos on the refrigerator door and perhaps on the workbench, if there is one. Simply call it reminders.

An instructive story:

Jim Jr’s engagement.

At the time, we were pretty sure that the girl Jim Jr. was spending time with was going to be the one he asked to marry, and that did come to pass. A whole other story.

Her family lived in Long Island. Barbara and I were invited to meet them all on a Sunday afternoon. It was a pretty long drive, we were new to the entire New York area, and we soon discovered why Long Island is called Long Island. It is about 100 miles long.

The result is that we arrived late and it was a chilly mid-winter day. We were greeted warmly at the front door, our coats were taken, and we started to head towards what appeared to be a living room, but it was also quite evident that there was a very serious fight going on verbally with some of the people in that room. As we walked toward the room, we looked at each other, and thought, “What was this all about?” We both decided at the same time, we weren’t going to stay for whatever it was.

We turned around, got our coats out of the closet, and started heading out the front door when Jim’s fiancé rushed up and asked where we were going. Our response, almost in unison, we don’t do these things this way. Give us a call when things have calmed down. Her mother, whose name is also Barbara, came up and was in shock, but we were determined we weren’t going to hang around for whatever was going on in that house.

Every day the following week we got a call from Barbara, from Jim’s fiancé, from others in the family that we please return and they promised to “be on our best behavior”. The following Sunday, there was to be a re-acquaintance. This time, we were on time. It was still chilly, and when the front door opened there were about 20 people in a line, each one smiling and saying happy things, but mostly saying, “We’ll be on our best behavior, please stay.” It was actually pretty funny. In fact, it came to be kind of a funny ritual whenever we attended a family event.    

Response #3:

We gave each other space and privacy when necessary.

Comment:

Our experience was different. Barbara and I constantly looked for ways to be together. We wanted to work together, travel together, do everything in our lives together, and so we did.

After 56 years of marriage, I can’t recall one circumstance where we chose to separate for any reason. But again, that was Barbara and I. We held hands from the time we were teenagers and that was the talk of the family as well. Everywhere we went, we walked together and held hands.

So this response is an interesting one. We just hadn’t thought of this as a strategy for building a long-term relationship. But as they say, whatever keeps your boat afloat.

Response #4:

When Mama’s Happy, Everybody’s Happy!

Comment:

Here again, our situation was somewhat different. There were two Mama’s, Barbara’s mother and Barbara, who were really the happiness merchants in the family. I actually only recall one circumstance where there was just a bit of tension. That was when Barbara and I announced our engagement on a Sunday afternoon in September. Barbara’s mother pulled me aside pretty quickly, looked me in the eye, and said sternly, “James, there will be no weddings in this family until my daughters have careers.” I understood immediately because Ruth’s first husband died of multiple myeloma when Barbara was 10 and her sister Bonny was 2. At the time, she left college to marry her husband and by all accounts, it was an extraordinary match. He drove a laundry truck for Pilgrim Laundry but was a really striking individual and very memorable.

In fact, I never met him, but they talked about him all the time as though he was coming to dinner that evening. A couple of times I had to ask Barbara’s family members, “He is dead? Isn’t he?” And they assured me he was, but he was just that powerful past family character.

When I thought of this response in our family situation, the mamas were busy making everybody else happy, but I can certainly relate to this sentiment.

I certainly hope to hear from more of you about the techniques you use to stay together for many, many years.

Please send your responses to the question, “How did you stay married for so many years?” to me at jel@e911.com. Subject line: Happiness Responses.

Barbara’s Eight Ingredients of Happiness

1. Strive to always say nice things about and to each other in private and publicly every day, everywhere.
 
2. Avoid saying the two or three divisive, corrosive things we might love to mention every day. Just skip it.
 
3. Always better to be positive or blah than negative or inflammatory.
 
4. Keep negative, irritating, needlessly, and intentionally abrasive people out of our lives. Walk away.
 
5. Happiness is having a simple, sensible, satisfying life every day.
 
6. Maintain a genuine respect for each other 24.7.
 
7. Always work to shift the credit for success to each other or others.
 
8.Be sure your advice is helpful. Before you speak ask yourself, “Is it worth it?”
©2024 James E. Lukaszewski

For information on reprinting or for the use of this material, editing is not permitted, contact the Copyright holder at jel@e911.com.

Be The One

To Answer to the Most Important Question Ever Asked About Civility and Decency

February 3, 1939 – July 10, 2021

Steve Harrison, my co-author on our book, The Decency Code – The Leaders Path to Integrity and Trust, and I were promoting our new book on a Pennsylvania book club Zoom conversation when, during the question and answer period, one of the attendees raised her hand and said, “I have a really important question. How do I get this started in my organization, family, company, or community?” I was broadcasting from Minneapolis and Steve was broadcasting from New York.

Without hesitation, he literally exploded by saying, “OBSESSION!!”. Then he said it again! “This is the most important question ever asked
about civility, decency, integrity, and humility.”

He continued, “BE THE ONE or find the one who can eat, sleep, dream, advocate, irritate, motivate, and inspire decency, civility, honesty, humility, truthfulness, and trust.” Steve was describing himself. And he was right.

He said it with such force there was a lingering moment of silence while everyone absorbed what he had said and writing furiously. But then Steve continued, “IF YOU ARE THE ONE then follow the many, many paths to decency.” And he started this interesting list. He said, “BE THE ONE…

who is accountable.’’
who is agreeable’.’
who is apologetic.’’
who is benevolent.”
who is candid.”
who shows character.’’
who is charitable.’’
who is chivalrous.’’
who is civil.’’
who shows compassion.’’
who is constructive.’’
who is courteous.’’
who is decent.’’
who is dignified.’’
who is empathetic.’’
who is engaged.’’
who is forgiving.’’
who is helpful.’’
who is honest.’’
who is honorable.’’		who is humble.’’
who has integrity.’’
who is open.’’
who is patient.’’
who is peaceful.’’
who is pleasant.’’
who is polite.’’
who is positive.’’
who is principled.’’
who is respectful.’’
who is responsive.’’
who is sensible.’’
who is sensitive.’’
who is simple.’’
who is tactful.’’
who is thoughtful.’’
who is tolerant.’’
who is transparent.’’
who is trustable.’’
who is truthful.’’

PLEASE NOTE: Steve only mentioned half a dozen or so of these. We have published this full list of “How to be THE ONE,” in several places. I thought it would be helpful if you saw all of the things Steve thought about as he made his comment.

Steve continued, “There are dozens of paths to civility, decency, integrity, truth, and trust:

  • “Take as many as you can.”
  • “As often as you can.”
  • “Every day.”
  • “Encourage and show others how to do the same.”
  • “Urge them to tell others.”
  • “Recognize and encourage everyone who does.”

Getting Started: Keep It Small, Keep It Simple, Just Do It

Steve always urged people to start with the small decencies and make room for larger ones later. What is a small decency?

  • Greet coworkers authentically and personally.
  • Remember to say please and thank you – or better yet, write thank you notes.
  • Before meetings you convene, be the first to sit down and the last to get up.
  • Welcome visitors by name – or better yet, call them guests.
  • Answer your own telephone.
  • Give away recognition when things go well; hoard responsibility when they don’t.
  • Convey bad news in person, in private.
  • When you make a mistake, admit it, and apologize.
  • Avoid criticism, it is remembered and resented forever.
  • Make all corrections positively, in private.
  • Remember why you like and respect people, tell them.
  • Think of new ways every day to be positive, grateful, helpful, and nice.
  • Keep a log.

Two Minute Schmooze.

Steve was a long-time Senior Manager and corporate culture innovator, he learned early one simple truth: The long-term success of any company, or organization large or small, local or global, depends largely on its culture.

  • Monitor your decency and civility progress every day.
  • Work to increase the paths you take daily, every day.
  • Challenge yourself.
  • Keep a log.
  • Show others.
  • Encourage others.
  • Recognize and acknowledge small decencies when you witness them.

BE THE ONE…that is the ticket.

Note: Steve Harrison died on July 10th, 2021. He revitalized the reputation of an industry and was constructively obsessive about the power of small decencies to make good companies great. He often reminded people, especially very senior people, about those unseen, unconditional but meaningfully small personal acts and decencies that have a powerful long-lasting impact on others, your culture, and the expectations of everyone.

“BE THE ONE, or FIND THE ONE. It’s ok to be obsessive to inspire decency, civility, honesty, humility, truthfulness, and trust.”

Steve rather famously said, “There’s a philosophy of doing business that goes beyond the transfer of goods and services. It calls for a transfer of values known as small decencies.” 

Steve was the author of, “The Manager’s Book of Decencies, How Small Gestures Build Great Companies”. The book is available on Amazon and will change your life, especially if you are The One. America’s culture has been sagging under the weight of division, anger, and confusion for some time now. Many of us have to be The One or find The One to reverse this trend.

Good Luck.

©2024 James E. Lukaszewski For information on reprinting or for the use of this material, editing is not permitted, contact the Copyright holder at jel@e911.com.

The 8th Ingredient of Happiness

Links in the Article:

“Make sure your comments are worth it before you offer them.”

            Marshall and Kelly Goldsmith wrote an amazingly insightful piece which appeared in the Chief Executive’s CEO Briefing of July 17, 2024. They asked a powerful question: When someone shares an idea with you and asks for your opinion, the urge is to cooperate. But the question the Goldsmith’s asked is even more important, “Is what you’re going to suggest or propose, actually worth damaging the attitude and aspirations of the person asking your advice?”

            Their example is of the CEO, attempting to add value to any question he or she is asked. While the response might add a couple percent of additional value to their idea, the impact on the person you are “helping” can be devastating.

Their advice is directed, especially to important people whose comments are taken as direct-action orders. Studies show that even minor suggestions from VIP’s which add very little value to an idea or suggestion can reduce the proposer’s motivation to carry out their suggestions by as much as 50%, or they may forgo the idea altogether.   

            The Goldsmith’s suggest four powerful questions to ask yourself before you respond:

  1. “Are you killing motivation?”Will your proposed comments add significant value and still motivate the person asking the question?
  2. “Are your words orders?”For the CEO of an organization, almost everything they offer will be used to initiate some kind of action. Sometimes on many levels of the organization. Is that what you intend? 
  3. “Pause before adding value.” – Before speaking, ask yourself, “Is my comment going to improve this person’s commitment?” If the answer is no, then ask yourself, “Is it worth it?
  4. This advice is really important at home. Which is why I’m adding it to Barbara’s original seven happiness ingredients. The Goldsmith’s advise before speaking, ask yourself, “Is my comment going to improve my relationship with the person I love?” If the answer is no, then ask yourself, “Is it worth it?” At home, if the comment you’re about to say could damage a relationship with the person you love, it is almost never worth it.”

Barbara’s ingredient number two is related, but the Goldsmith’s suggestion is very important. So often we think we are being helpful, but we’re stifling or hindering or perhaps even embarrassing someone we really care about who just wants some affirmation or confirmation about something they’re thinking about.

To read their full discussion click the following link. Marshall Goldsmith: The Dangers Of ‘Adding Value’ As CEO.

  Kelly Goldsmith and Marshall Goldsmith

Kelly Goldsmith is a professor of marketing at Vanderbilt University’s Owen Graduate School of Management. Marshall Goldsmith has been ranked as the world’s #1 leadership thinker and coach. His 44 books include the New York Times bestsellers What Got You Here Won’t Get You There, Triggers and MOJO.

View More By This Author

Barbara’s Eight Ingredients of Happiness

  1. Strive to always say nice things about and to each other in private and publicly every day, everywhere.
  2. Avoid saying the two or three divisive, corrosive things we might love to mention every day. Just skip it.
  3. Always better to be positive or blah than negative or inflammatory.
  4. Keep negative, irritating, needlessly, and intentionally abrasive people out of our lives. Walk away.
  5. Happiness is having a simple, sensible, satisfying life every day.
  6. Maintain a genuine respect for each other 24.7.
  7. Always work to shift the credit for success to each other or others.
  8. Be sure your advice is helpful. Before you speak ask yourself, “Is it worth it?”

Barbara’s 8 Ingredients of Happiness

Devotion

Unfortunately, I Have Some News

R.I.P.  Unfortunately, please!!

If there is one word in our language that needs to be locked away, banned or buried deeply forever somewhere, it is the word   UNFORTUNATELY.

It’s like a gatling gun shooting out confusion in every direction.

Unfortunately, meaning ????

For me?

For you?

For whom?

For us?

About what?

Whose fault?

What’s wrong?

Who’s wrong?

Who’s responsible?

Is there a mistake?

Really?

Unfortunately, is a weasel word used when one can’t think of a better, more meaningfully specific word. Unfortunately, always leaves the bad taste of unhappiness in your brain.

Unfortunately,  your plan won’t work.

Unfortunately, the effort fell short.

Unfortunately, the idea was half-baked.

Unfortunately, more effort was needed.

Unfortunately, someone should have thought of that.

Unfortunately, someone needed to find a better word

Unfortunately falls under Lukaszewski Grammar Disaster Law # 1 that states: (Every extra syllable in a word doubles its confusion.), yes? At five syllables, Unfortunately, leads the list of unintelligible, confusing, and negative words.

Stop using it. Think. Avoid the unhappiness and confusion this five-syllable monster imposes. It’s easy, just stop.

Your life and your relationships, those that remain, will last longer.

Unintelligible Negative Words – Negative Power of Negative Language

Helping Hands, Holding Hands

One of the smallest, but truly powerful decencies is holding hands or offering a helping hand.

This gesture is so small we probably hardly ever think of it. But quite often at 82 as I approach a doorway, a curb, or a staircase someone will reach out and offer me a hand even though I have a cane. One of our granddaughters is going to school here in Minnesota. She grew up in New York state. Emily. We have made it a point to have a hamburger or a brief get together almost weekly when she’s here during the school year and this past summer when she was an internship at the Minnesota Zoo. I’ve know her and her twin brother since the day after they were born and lived very close to them for the first eight years of their lives. Then we moved from New York back to Minnesota. So for the majority of their lives we have not been that physically close. But we’ve always been I think emotionally close.

            Emily is finishing her junior year in college and thinking about where she is ultimately be working. Also, looking for an internship this summer. She has opportunities for her last summer internship in Chicago, Boston, New York, and I learned just this week that a position for her may be opening up in Minnesota. I mention this because I’ve noticed during this particular school year when we’ve been together, she’s been extra attentive. I am 82 and a bit unstable and need a cane. So I get to hold her hand briefly, but often when we’re together.

Looking back, holding hands was an extraordinary part of my relationship with my wife Barbara. I do recall in high school on the few dates that I had, for some reason I tried to hold hands and it was not exactly welcomed, it wasn’t shunned, but it wasn’t welcomed. I met Barbara in the summer after my graduation from high school and from our first meeting we were holding hands. In those early years, I would increasingly hold her hand because she was this incredibly beautiful person going around with me, I’m laughing. It must have looked like, “What is she doing with this oaf.” But as it turned out we kept seeing each other, got closer, and ultimately got married four years after we met. During our initial early years together in courtship we held hands everywhere in fact people commented on it and, “Are you always holding hands?” and we would raise our hands, kind of shrug, and son of a gun, we were holding hands.

            During our married life, we tended to do absolutely everything together whether it was grocery shopping or taking the car in to get the oil changed, just driving around. We were always holding hands. There are many pictures of us front and back, holding hands and it was always a subject of conversation. Barbara died of Alzheimer’s in 2019.

            It’s become kind of a point of analysis whenever I meet couples are they holding hands or not. If they are, I comment on it and if they’re not, I sort of just mentally remember that.

            The larger point is that like almost every small decency it’s free, it’s freely given, there is nothing expected in return, but it is among the most affirming thing humans can do with each other.

            If you haven’t done it for a while or at all, it might seem a little uncomfortable to suggest it, but why not give it a try?

            The worst that can happen is that you do it briefly and then you separate, but then even in the same encounter, you do it again, and separate. Eventually, it will work or it won’t.

            In Barbara’s case, it was just a part of our being together and it was just reflective of our lives together. Barbara did things for me constantly, helped me, looked out for me, and literally ran a business we had so I didn’t have to. But always even the 10-minute round trip to pick up a gallon of milk, we went together, and we held hands.

My youngest son Jim and my sister Wendy, and a couple other friends were with Barbara when she passed away in August of 2019. I was holding her hand at the time she died. And as always, she was smiling.

There is a picture of Barbara just moments after she died that Jim took and I’m combing her hair. Barbara was always perfectly dressed, every hair precisely in place. She always enjoyed having her hair combed and always reacted positively, even after she was no longer able to speak. In this photo, she had just passed away moments before, and I was holding her hand at the time. Then I combed her hair for the last time. 

Happiness is Quite Contagious

The most frequent question I get asked when I talk about Civility and Happiness is, “How do you get this started? What’s the first step?”

My answer is simple, direct, and prompt:

  1. Be a happy person every day in every way.
  2. Happiness is a habit others will notice. Insist on dealing happily on whatever comes along. When you run into someone who is intentionally negative, because being negative is always intentional, abandon them. Just walk away and do your thing somewhere else. If they follow you, ask them politely, but firmly to step back and walk away.
  3. BE THE ONE ready to suggest a happier, more constructive way to do or say whatever life presents.

Get Your Tissues Out
A Very Special Christmas

One of my favorite stories about happiness came to me from someone in an audience who said she really wanted to thank me for helping her reconnect with her younger sister who had become estranged over the years. She said, “I heard you talk about being positive, it seemed so wonderful, but so impossible. Nevertheless, I took your advice and just did them. It happened last Christmas, which is the one time a year when our families get together. It’s usually pretty tense among the adults. We tell ourselves we get together for the kids. But of course, “it’s a bit of a nightmare for them.”

“This year was going to be different. I decided that I would find ways to discuss and talk about things and tell stories in completely positive fashion avoiding all negative words, criticism, and negative thinking. My sister was her usual self, anticipating that we would have these negative clashes and would walk away wondering why we were doing this for yet another year. But I really wanted to see something change.”

“I talked to my kids about it and they promised to really work hard to do and say positive things the entire time.” When they were confronted with negative things simply absorb it and take a positive approach.

“I have to say that I believed that the meeting with my sister’s family was just a bit more positive than in the past. But still it was really hard because the old habits kept creeping back and my sister was her usual kind of negative self.”

“We had occasion to talk on Valentine’s Day. She called me. This surprised me.

I was always the one who called her. And her first comment was, “I’ve been meaning to talk to you about what happened over the holiday.” With some trepidation, I asked her what happened over the holiday? She said, “Well I’m not sure, except that I really had a good time and many of the old squabbles and things we talk about routinely just never happened.” I’m trying to figure out why was that. So we talked and I told her about you and about your ideas about taking responsibility for everybody’s happiness beginning with yourself. “She actually started to cry.” Then told a story. Then I told one and we were both in tears, tears of reconciliation, apology, even joy.”

She touched my arm and walked away.

Our Mother Died Badly

The second story involves a woman I saw after a powerful presentation. She said, “I had the most amazing experience because of you and because of the surprising generosity of others. And I just wanted to tell you about it.” So she began saying, “My mother became ill later in her life and spent a lot of her time in hospitals. In the last hospital she was in, where she did pass away, there were accidents and things that went wrong continuously during her care. On the day she died, our family decided to hire an attorney and approach the hospital about some kind of apology, correction, something that forcefully brought to their attention the problems that my mother suffered as her life ended.

To make our point even more boldly, we asked to meet with the top hospital officials in my mother’s former sick room. To our surprise, they readily agreed and when we arrived at my mother’s room it became a totally amazing experience.”

“There were six or seven people in the room, including the hospital administrator, their legal counsel, and a number of other personnel in their professional medical uniforms which they didn’t generally wear. The hospital administrator took a breath and said, “These people, all cared for your mother every day. They will all say they are terribly sorry about what happened to her but, all have some things and stories about your mother that you might not know, but would like to hear.” The nurses introduced themselves they were the day, midday, and swing shift main supervisors. There was a young man, a hospital orderly and a couple others. The hospital orderly went first. He said, “I don’t think you know that your mother was a competitive pinochle player.” We were stunned. My daughter said, “I never saw her ever play a card game.” The young man said, “Well, she played for a time every single day. One of my jobs became finding other patients and employees in the hospital who could play. She got really good.”  Each person had a personal story about her and even about the incidents which so concerned us.”

“They all apologized for mom’s suffering then said their goodbyes. The Administrator suggested that when we were ready to talk to him we could meet in his more comfortable conference room.”

“We sent our attorney home.”

Happiness Can Teach A Lot

The principal lesson has always been, if you give happiness a chance it’s pretty powerful. But the most important lesson for you is that happiness starts with you, and gives you the most satisfaction.

Getting started is easier than you think.

Send a simple thank you to someone who has helped you, who you’ve never really seriously acknowledged. Practice unconditional happiness relentlessly, look for the happy things. You’ll be happily surprised how often people you thanked, respond. I’d love to hear your stories about giving happiness a chance in your life and the lives of those you care about. Good luck! 

Mystery Meals for Strangers

There is a hamburger joint called Snuffy’s not far from where we lived in Edina, Minnesota, a real kids and family hangout. We enjoyed eating there because the place was a constant madhouse with happy kids and families.

Shortly after we returned to Minnesota from New York in January 2010, in between blizzards, we went to Snuffy’s, sat at our favorite table to enjoy the happy mayhem. We had our favorite meals and got ready to leave. When I asked for the check, the waitress said, “Your check has been paid.”

I asked what happened. She said, “A couple sitting two tables away paid for your meal.” I asked if there was a tip, and she said, “It was all taken care of.” One of Barbara’s habits when we ate at her favorite New York restaurant, Un Deux Trois (123 East 44th Street, near Grand Central Station), was to sit near the windows where honeymooners and new New York visitors often sat. We would have one of these couples on either side of us. Barbara always asked one couple what they planned on having for dessert. The general response was, “We hadn’t thought about it yet.” So, Barbara suggested they try the profiteroles, one of her favorite desserts. It’s a puff pastry stuffed with whipped cream and usually placed over chocolate ice cream. It is pretty yummy.

Then she would walk over to the maître d’ and ask them to provide the couple next to us with appropriate servings of profiteroles, which we paid for on our way out. Then we would loiter around in the vicinity of the restaurant waiting to see the reaction of our recipients. They were always pleased, a little puzzled (it was New York after all), but ultimately gobbled up the dessert.

At that point, we would head to our train for the trip home.

The point is, this is a really cool, affordable thing you can do, makes you feel great, and even better because nobody knows who did this complete surprise.

We would go to Snuffy’s usually on Saturday afternoons or evenings. Often, we’d pick the largest family we could, then time it so we could pay their bill as we left the restaurant after paying our own.

Can’t think of a more fun pay-it-forward habit than this one. Recipients, like us, talk about it for years. So will those you surprise. Maybe the gesture spreads.  

Thousands of Human Starfish, The Story of an Extreme Decency

The Time Before:

Steve Harrison became a client of mine in 1995. From that first engagement and a number of others over the years, Steve and I became close friends, as did our wives, Barbara and Shirley. It would be fair to say that Steve became more or less a disciple of my kind of crisis management and other management and leadership recovery techniques. He was already known as Mr. Decency throughout his industry. Something that further deepened our relationship. In 2014, Steve and I decided to write a book on civility and decency. Something that has long since largely disappeared from American culture. There are still too few signs of these important cultural qualities returning anytime soon.  

The Diagnosis:

In 2014, my wife of 50 years was diagnosed with bilateral ovarian cancer. That evening we had dinner with Steve and Shirley and among the topics of conversation was this new frightening development in Barbara’s life.

The First Call:

The next day, Steve and Shirley called together and talked to us briefly about what they learned the night before and offered to be helpful in any way that they could. For Barbara and I, this was the beginning of a long journey cumulating in her death from Alzheimer’s in August of 2019.

The Next 2,999 Calls:

Following that first phone call from Steve and Shirley, they called us nearly every single day from the time of Barbara’s diagnosis with cancer and the follow-up diagnosis of Alzheimer’s. The number of phone calls from these two dear friends from that first conversation to a kind of final conversation in late 2019, the Harrisons had talked to us almost 3000 times. Stop a moment, take a breath, and realize what a totally amazing gift for a couple of human beings to do for another couple of human beings. Steve and I finished the book, “The Decency Code, The Leader’s Path to Building Integrity and Trust,” and it was published by McGraw Hill in 2021. We discussed another book project going forward, but nature intervened, and Steve passed away in July of 2021.

Steve’s Legacy Lives On:

I’ll never have the opportunity to repay this extraordinary decency. Shirley and I do keep in touch. And I write, quote, and talk about Steve whenever I can.  He was such an extraordinary friend and his 2005 book, “The Manager’s Book of Decencies, How Small Gestures (he called them small decencies) Build Great Companies,” from McGraw Hill is a classic business book in the field of decency and civility.

Steve’s Life Metaphor:

Steve’s favorite story and the metaphor for his life was about a person searching for seashells on the seashore and coming across a starfish unlikely to survive being caught aground. Almost absent-mindedly the man picked up the starfish and tossed it back into the sea.

Human Starfish:

In the course of that starfish’s life, it will reproduce thousands of times and produce an extraordinary number of offsprings and generations. Steve’s company Lee Hect Harrison, which he and two colleagues founded in the late 1990’s, and later acquired by Adecco Inc., the world’s largest part-time work placement company, made Steve’s company now the LHH division of  Adecco, the world’s largest outplacement firm. The purpose of the LHH division of Adecco is to help people intentionally unemployed by large businesses to learn new job-finding skills and other techniques to regain employment and return to productive lives. You might say his company has a way of returning human starfish to the working world by the thousands every year.

What an Amazing Legacy:

Decencies come in all sizes and shapes. This is the most extreme, miraculous, and wonderful decency for two people I’ve ever seen. Give it a try.  

“How Can I Get Decency, Happiness, and Trust Started in my Organization, Family, Company, or Community?”

Steve Harrison, my colleague and co-author of The Decency Code, The Leaders Path to Integrity and Trust (McGraw Hill © 2020), always immediately answered, “OBSESSION!!!” “BE THE ONE” or find the one who can eat, sleep, dream, advocate, irritate, motivate, and inspire decency, civility, honesty, truthfulness, trust, and finding happiness.

Second Most Important Questions: Can You Be The One?

Steve also talked about the many pathways to BE THE ONE. “If it’s you, then BE THE ONE…”

Pathways to Be The One:

“Who is accountable.”“Who has integrity.”
“Who is agreeable.”“Who is open.”
“Who is apologetic.”“Who is patient.”
“Who is candid.”“Who is peaceful.”
“Who shows character.”“Who is pleasant.”
“Who is charitable.”“Who is polite.”
“Who is chivalrous.”“Who is positive.”
“Who is civil.”“Who is principled.”
“Who shows compassion.”“Who is respectful.”
“Who is constructive.”“Who is responsible.”
“Who is courteous.”“Who is sensible.”
“Who is decent.”“Who is sensitive.”
“Who is dignified.”“Who is simple.”
“Who is empathetic.”“Who is tactful.”
“Who is engaged.”“Who is thoughtful.”
“Who is forgiving.”“Who is tolerant.”
“Who is helpful.”“Who is transparent.”
“Who is honest.”“Who is trustable.”
“Who is honorable.”“Who is truthful.”
“Who is humble.”

I did say Steve was OBSESSIVE!!

So many paths to civility, decency, integrity, truth, and finding happiness. Take as many as you can, as often as you can every day…encourage others to do the same.

Make progress every day. Work to increase the paths you take daily, every day. Challenge yourself. Keep a log. Encourage others beginning with those around you.

Note: Steve Harrison died on July 10th, 2021. He revitalized an industry, was obsessive about the power of small decencies, those actions, and decisions often unseen, but powerful enough to make good companies great places to work, good families, communities, and lives great.

How about it? Can you BE THE ONE in your life, household, family, neighborhood, work, community, and other places?  

Good luck.


Let me know how you are doing.

Jim Lukaszewski

jel@e911.com