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Avoiding Ethics Leads To Weak And Failed Leadership

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Lukaszewski Ethical Truism # 1.

The First Principle of Ethical Conduct:

All ethical, moral, compassionate, decent, civil and lawful behaviors are intentional. The choice is always clear and always yours.

Lukaszewski Ethical Truism # 2

The Second Principle of Ethical Conduct:

All questionable, inappropriate, unethical, unconscionable, immoral, predatory, improper, victim-producing and criminal behaviors are also intentional.

The choice is always clear and always yours.

Lukaszewski Ethical Truism # 3

The Majority of Bad and Erroneous Decisions in Crisis are Intentional

Which means they’re probably unethical

Will Durant’s extraordinary definition of ethics that appeared in an introduction to his 1926 book, “The Story of Philosophy,” is among his greatest gifts to us.

This quote often elicits comments from academics and others who study philosophy to tell me why Spinoza, Socrates, Plato, and other ethical luminaries in history were more significant. Will Durant put the most practical definition of ethics into the English language. I have a corollary thought:

Lukaszewski Ethical Corollary #1

If what you’re planning or doing or did is appropriate, constructive, crucial, helpful, important, necessary, positive, sensible, sensitive, simple and useful, it’s also likely to be ethical.

Lukaszewski Ethical Truism # 4

Lukaszewski Ethical Corollary #2

Pathological Leadership is the opposite of ideal conduct: Intentionally Making Bad mean, Wrong Decisions, that intentionally hurt, frighten or kill people, animals and living systems.

And then there is…

The Lexicon of Preemptive Self-Forgiveness

How Perpetrators, Predators, Criminals, and Bad People
Hide in Plain Sight…We Let Them, we hide them, and we seem to support them.

Where in the world is the school where managers and leaders study apology avoidance or, as I prefer to call it, arrogantly applied Self Forgiveness (AASF)? It is no surprise that perpetrator and predator-like managers and leaders early in their careers develop an obvious and impressive array of personal apology avoidance habits and language. I’d bet that even their mothers are surprised, but then again, maybe not. We’ll get back to moms later.

In my experience there are four general approaches for AASF:

  1. Self-forgiveness
  2. Self-talk
  3. Self-delusion
  4. Lying

You’ll recognize each one by the language perpetrators use. Remember, apology avoiders deny that they are perpetrators or predators until they are exposed. Even then they blame those around them. I always recommend talking about these avoidance excuses, if given the chance, as widely and as soon as the subject, or argument, about apology arises, usually early in crisis (where there are victims) and reputationally damaging situations. It is crucial that those around leaders and managers be able to identify, speak up and call attention to these falsities and fallacies repeatedly as crisis response elements are developed.

Let’s begin with the lawyers.

“The lawyers won’t let me apologize.”

Look, lawyers are consultants like every other staff advisor in the play. Remember, like other internal or external staff counselors, they can only advise. Key decisions are always client decisions.

Apology is always a leadership decision, rather than just a legal decision. Wait a minute. Yes, an apology is always an admission whatever the circumstances and has legal implications — that’s the reason we have attorneys.

Lukaszewski Truism #5

Apology is Ideal Conduct

I define apology as the Atomic Energy of Empathy because, when apologies are given, bad things can start to stop happening. Some bad decisions can be stopped before they begin. One of the most common things that can stop happening is “get even” driven litigation. There is almost always litigation for damages – that’s what insurance is for. Following an apology, the tone is different, and settlement can become the focus. Your insurance company will play a very large role.

You do have to prepare for trial, but here’s another powerful twist: hire a second independent law firm to start settlement talks immediately. Even though it is commonly done, law firms litigate until they can’t and then negotiate a settlement.  Settlement can occur a lot faster than the traditional pre-trial defense litigation steps. Besides, the odds of litigation getting to trial in the U.S. is small (like one out of more than a hundred). Courts encourage and support settlement talks at the earliest possible time.

Lukaszewski Truism #6

An effective apology has five must-be-done components:

  1. Admission of doing something that hurts or victimizes;
  2. Explanation of specifically what the harm is/was/will be;
  3. Discussion of lessons learned and behaviors that will change to prevent future occurrences;
  4. Direct request of the victims for forgiveness;
  5. Penance or compensation agreed upon to be performed to atone for the damages done and to come.

Having said this, you still need to know the four apology avoidance strategies. Here they are. All should sound familiar.

Strategy 1. Self-forgiveness:

  • “It’s an industry problem; we are not the only ones.”
  • “This isn’t the first time this has happened and it won’t be the last time.”
  • “Let’s not blow this out of proportion.”
  • “We couldn’t have known.”
  • “It’s not systemic.”
  • “Don’t our good deeds count for anything?”

Strategy 2. Self-talk:

  • “It’s an isolated incident.”
  • “It couldn’t have been done by our people.”
  • “Not many were involved.”
  • “If we don’t do it, someone else will.”
  • “Let’s not get ahead of ourselves.”

Strategy 3. Self-delusion:

  • “It’s not our fault.”
  • “It’s not our problem.”
  • “We can’t be responsible for everything.”
  • “It won’t happen again.”
  • “It was only one death, in one place, at one time. Why is everyone so angry?”
  • “Life can’t exist without risk.”

Strategy 4. Lying:

  • “I don’t know.”
  • “We’ve never done that.”
  • “It hasn’t happened before.”
  • “It can’t happen again.”
  • “We won’t give up without a fight.”
  • “I’m not a crook.”
  • “I did not have sex with that woman.”
  • “I am not a racist.”

Share these lists with every executive so they know all these excuses are off limits. Don’t worry – the urge for avoidance is so strong, bosses, lawyers and communicators will begin thinking of new ones immediately. As you hear the new avoidance language, build another list and circulate immediately to executives to re-inoculate them against future apology avoidance.

Most of all, have the boss call his/her mom (they probably have already) and ask their advice before trying any of these avoidance strategies. We both know what her advice will be. Take it and have a better life, maybe even keep your job.

The attorneys may be upset; some in your cohort will call you a sissy. Some colleagues may beg you not to apologize because, if you do apologize, they may have to sometime in the future.  

Lukaszewski Truism #7

Practicing apology, humility and compassion are the real work of leaders, especially when victims are created.

You will sleep better. Mom will be proud.

How to Stay a Vital Leadership Partner

Ten Relationship Competencies the Trusted Strategic Advisor Must Master to Stay a Vital Leadership Partner

Over the years, through conversations, observation and coaching with trusted strategic advisors and their clients, a list of powerful competencies emerged that clearly help to build the effectiveness, reliability and trustworthiness of the trusted strategic advisor.  Early in my career as I observed these key advisors doing their jobs, it struck me that there was a pattern of competencies the trusted strategic advisors should strive to achieve.

The purpose of the competency list is to establish successful patterns of achievement. To be more successful requires providing crucial strategic assistance to senior people, leaders and to up and coming employees. 

The Ten Ingredients of Operational Excellence for a trusted strategic advisor are really a series of questions that the TSA asks themselves as they go about giving advice, being helpful and providing other strategically important services. The question TSA’s are asking themselves are very simple, “Is what I’m doing right now and how I’m doing it going to address important issues and questions for my client and in the process improve my access to this particular individual, organization or business unit?”  “Or, is what I’m doing right now going to improve my acceptance going forward and helping me gain even more access to be helpful to other important people?”  So, the technique is to consciously apply usable questions to each of these ten very desirable attributes so they become second nature to the TSA’s daily activities.

  1. Access: success often depends on easy access to those you are serving.  Sounds simple, but we often feel that we are at risk working on especially difficult or challenging subjects.  Deal with it. What are the response options to each scenario encountered?
  2. Acceptance: The key here is remembering that you do what you do to help these people achieve their objectives from their own perspectives.  Expect gratitude to come slowly at first.  Your acceptance and your value increase as these people you are helping begin to recognize that you are helpful, reliable and trustable. 
  3. Engagement: often this is the toughest task because it requires that you speak up.  I often recommend “laggership.” Be the second person or more importantly the last person to speak, to enable the perspective that the person you are advising needs  as they leave the room. 
  4. First call: people in trouble or in need will come to you sooner.  Train your clients to always call you sooner rather than later.  
  5. Impact: impact is about being memorable.  We often are put in the position of routinely providing and reporting data and other information.  Your responsibility is to promptly report the information required, but do it in memorable ways, be a storyteller, find out some specific useful angle of what you are describing so you will know that they will leave the room with something fresh and useful in their brain.
  6. Inclusion: you might find that occasionally you have to keep tabs on what the people you are supposed to be leading or guiding are doing.  Perhaps from time to time you need to invite yourself or see that you are invited.  Step up rather than wait (yes, this seems to be the opposite of laggership). Be flexible.  Look for opportunities to help leaders lead. Step up.
  7. Influence: keep in mind the real value of your presence is as a source of important information, ideas, inspiration, interpretation, and feedback. My guiding principle here is to say less, make it more important, write less but make it essential, memorable reading, and as always make it interesting, useful or surprising. 
  8. Interaction: the more familiar people become with you and the work you do the more places you will be invited to add to your itinerary of places to be or things to think about.  Time to be a little forward here and if there are places you think that need attention, mention it and ask to be assigned or permitted or invited. 
  9. Last call: generally speaking the goal of the trusted strategic advisor is to be consulted early and to be perhaps the last person spoken to by your principle before he or she steps out into the limelight and puts their career on the line. 
  10. Respect: respect is earned predominantly through demonstrating with your every interaction that your advice shows that you are in it for them, for their goals and objectives. Remember, the successful ideas you provide will be attributed to your clients rather than to you. Get used to it, encourage it, and be comfortable with it.

The Lukaszewski Trusted Strategic Advisor Fieldbook

Chapter One

  1. Strategists, Advisors and Leaders are Constantly Searching for Unique Skills
  2. The 11 Action Principles of The Trusted Strategic Advisor
  3. Eight Tests That Prove You are a TSA
  4. Do You Really Have the Stomach to be a TSA?

Welcome

Welcome to the first chapter of the first edition of the Trusted Strategic Advisor Fieldbook. I’ve been meaning to develop this document for many years. This Fieldbook is meant to be just that, things that work in the field. I will publish soon the table of contents for this Fieldbook and ask you to critique it and make additional topic suggestions. Here we go.

 The Constant Search for Unique Skills

The higher one rises in management and leadership the more difficult it is to locate and be helped by people committed to your interests, needs and goals. Lots of competing agendas at the top.

Senior people and leaders are constantly in search of:

  • Individuals with common sense.
  • Individuals with a sense of humor.
  • Individuals with their ears to the ground.
  • Individuals who can tell which way the wind will blow.
  • People who can spot the stinkers, fakers, and charlatans.
  • People who are iconoclasts, rule breakers, and productive mistake makers.
  • Pragmatists to help manage the inherent over-optimism of leadership.
  • True strategists, inconsistent thinkers who ask the toughest questions.
  • People who can find and tell the truth, first, fast, always.

Where do you fit among these categories? Few people have all of these attributes but most all these traits can be learned. Plus, an even bigger question for you: Are you willing to change yourself for the benefit of others, from their perspective?

One of the most intriguing aspects of being a Trusted Strategic Advisor is developing the habit and the skill of looking at the world through your boss’s eyes. Then, helping the boss see their world more clearly. The lessons are:

  1. Whatever your area of special expertise, chances are the boss needs more from you, beyond your knowledge base.
  2. The boss may ignore your advice, meaning seeking different advice or advisors, or just the notion that other kinds of advice are needed.
  3. Will you expand your vision and thinking beyond what you came with?
  4. Are you willing to find the help needed, even if that reduces your presence in the C suite?  If you do this your time in the C suite will expand.

Among the greatest skills of a Trusted Strategic Advisor is the ability to anticipate the direction of leadership thinking and be ready to walk down whatever road is chosen very quickly or block the new direction with a better direction.

The TSA’s Working Principles

  1. Always say things that matter.
  2. Say less but make your messages more important.
  3. Talk to time; Three-minute bursts, 450 words
  4. Write less but make your words powerful, compelling, and memorable.
  5. Write to time; one page, one side; beginning to end, 450 words, 3 minutes.
  6. Suggest less. New ideas are less valuable than getting yesterday’s lingering problems solved.
  7. Be worth hearing because you are memorable, sensible, and say what needs to be said, when it needs to be said.
  8. Being memorable means suggesting crucial, incremental, achievable options from which leaders will choose . . .or reject.
  9. Provide three options every time: do nothing, do something, do something more. Use the three-minute drill. 
  10. Remember, they choose the option, unless they choose to do something else. Be the first to support their initiative, or to constructively challenge.
  11. It’s their bus. You are a valued guest until you’re not.

Eight Tests You’ll Have to Pass that Demonstrate
You Have Become a Trusted Strategic Advisor:

  1. People remember what you say and quote you when you’re not in the room.
  2. People quote you in your presence.
  3. People tell your stories and share the lessons, giving you the credit.
  4. People tell your stories and share your lessons as though those stories and lessons belonged to them.
  5. Others seek your opinions and ideas, then share their agendas and beliefs with you in the hope of influencing you to influence the behaviors and decisions of others more senior than either of you.
  6. The boss asks others to run their stuff by you before running it by them.
  7. You are among the first called and the last consulted for important decisions.
  8. Meetings are held up waiting for you to arrive to make important contributions or interpretations of current events.

Before You Seek to Become a Trusted
Strategic Advisor, Ask Yourself:

a. Do I have the stomach for the intense, conflict-ridden and often confrontational environment in which decisions are made at the senior levels of organizations?

b. Can I dispassionately assess the strengths, weaknesses, opportunities, options and threats to the organization from a variety of useful constructive perspectives (more than just the media)?

c. What is the real expertise, beyond my area of staff knowledge, that I bring to those who run my organization?

d. Will I commit to mastering the seven disciplines of the trusted strategic advisor and harness their power for my success and the success of those I advise?

e. How do I credibly and convincingly answer the question, “Why should the boss listen to me?”

Copyright © 2025, James E. Lukaszewski. All rights reserved. For permission to reproduce or quote, contact jel@e911.com.

Finding, Learning, and Remembering Life’s Lessons

by Applying Daily Learning Audit Questions
Your Personal Daily Incremental Learning Audit

One benefit of growing older is that every month brings a handful of messages from former clients, students, colleagues, friends, relatives, even strangers. They want to share some episode from their lives where something I said, wrote, discussed, or taught powerfully affected their life’s trajectory.

These notes are always inspiring. I respond in two ways, grateful appreciation and asking these correspondents to please answer several of the following questions, or as many as they care to:

  1.     What’s the most important thing you learned from me?
  2.    What is the most surprising thing you learned from me?
  3.   What’s the most interesting thing you learned from me?
  4.   What’s the most unusual thing you learned from me?
  5.   What’s the most useful thing or idea that you learned from me?
  6. What do you know now that you didn’t know before you heard, saw, talked, or something read from me?
  7. What new questions were raised for which you need answers or deeper questions?
  8. What will/did you do differently based on what you learned from me?
  9. Why did you come to me? 

How I learned to organize my daily learnings, every day

From the earliest days of my career, there was so much to learn every day. I was having trouble retaining and recalling it all. Then I met this amazing young, new CEO I was to be coaching. He asked me to visit him every Tuesday at 5:30pm for an hour. Well, ok. He’s the client and the requests were unusual but reasonable.

After a month of Tuesday meetings, I asked him why he set our weekly meeting the way he did. I will always remember his response and so will you.

He said,” I spend every Tuesday afternoon evaluating what those who work for me have learned from me.” And then he said,” “and, I from them.” “Jim, you come at the end of my learning day to help me truly and powerfully understand and integrate my thinking and their thinking into what we do every day.”

His technique was to ask a handful of important questions, then lean forward and listen carefully. His questions were business related, some technical, some emotional, some calling for judgmental responses.

At that moment I knew I should have been paying him.

Getting Started

I immediately established a set of my own Learning Audit Questions. Everyone took the questions very seriously.

Here’s a set of answers from an assistant who worked for me for one year:

Learning Audit Example #1
Former Assistant (with me 18 months)

Jim, here are my answers to those questions. I hope this is helpful to you.

  1. The most important thing I learned is a quote from your book where you speak about how helping someone else achieve their goal will in turn help you achieve your own goals. 
  2. The most interesting thing I’ve learned is to focus on what can be
    accomplished to look for solutions, always be mindful of the way I’m speaking or writing in correspondence, and to not default to what “cannot be done”. 
  3. The most surprising thing I learned is about myself and how, even though I love writing, I wouldn’t want to write for a living, which is why I’ve enjoyed my work and time as an admin.
  4. The most useful thing I’ve learned is just the importance of tracking, maintaining, and creating a process and system for organization not just of material and content, but also of life things.
Learning Audit Example #2 Former client in mid-career, years ago with me 2.5 years

Jim, In terms of your questions:

  1. What is/was the most important thing you learned from me?
    a. The importance of being a verbal visionary and how to achieve that
    b. Use of power words, especially for women
    c. Know your client’s/leader’s business and their concerns and perspectives
    d. Don’t be afraid to raise tough questions
  2. What is/was the most surprising thing you learned from me?
    a.    The critical need to identify and care for victims – and they aren’t always who you think they are.
    b.   The importance of face-to-face comms – with internal and external audiences. The power of this became crystal clear when I helped implement your strategy for the Venice Hospital sale.
  3. What is/was the most interesting thing you learned from me?
    What leaders need and want – options, candor, straight talk.
  4. What is/was the most memorable thing you learned or observed about me?
    How you communicated with leaders and held their attention!
  5. What are/were some important questions that you needed answers following our work together?

    How can I continue to improve?
  6. What do you do differently now because of our working together?
    Many things!
    a. Stopped preparing long documents of strategies and options.
    b. Learned to think more on my feet and respond verbally, immediately.
    c. You made me a much better strategist and counselor.

    7. Question 9

    Quite often, Question # 9 triggers a conversation. “Why did you come to me?” Here is an answer from a senior practitioner and tends to reflect similar answers to this question.

    She said, “I reached out to you because when I think of who has made an impression on my career, you are among a handful. I’ve appreciated your direct and invaluable approach to counseling executives. It’s straight as in forward, considerate, decisive, and anchored in doing the right thing…while being prepared if that doesn’t happen.

    My Recommendations for you

    Whatever the stage of your career, you can begin using this technique to teach yourself about yourself, a handful of real questions in every evaluation situation. Keep it simple.

    If I’m seeking evaluation of a presentation, meeting, coaching session, or similar setting, I’m interested in learning what other people learned from spending time with me, from their perspective. If I am going to take some participant’s time with a survey it should be:

    1. Brief, 5 questions is the ideal length. You can always follow up with more.
    2. Help them learn about what they learned during their program or experience with you, while also helping you learn about yourself. 
    3. What to avoid.

    Avoid #1. Surveys that just collect data mindlessly and without purpose. It’s irritating. Stop participating. Focus on fact and truth-gathering approaches as advocated here.

    Avoid #2. Forced answer polls/surveys. Forced answers corrode and contaminate survey results. Forced answering is forced lying that produces mis or disinformation. STOP It. Avoid any data gathering using forced answers. Survey Monkey always uses forced answers. All Monkey Surveys and surveys requiring forced answers are garbage.

    Avoid #3 Lying. Expose lying. The more lies you or others you know fabricate and compound, the deeper the truth gets hidden and harder to find.

    • Allegories
    • Analogies
    • Euphemism
    • Lies
    • Metaphors
    • “Nuanced Descriptions”
    • Obfuscation
    • Stories – are never the truth.
    • Translations, “in other words…”

      Look familiar?  Yes, we use some of these tools and techniques when trying to avoid the truth. In the end it’s a lot easier to be simple, sensible, positive, declarative and plainly truthful.
       
      Truth avoidance is the greatest contributor to confusion, doubt, suspicion and needless usually permanent trust damage.
       
      To be continued.

LUKASZEWSKI’S CONTENTION SURVIVAL MANIFESTO

Keeping Yourself and the Things That Matter Under Control

This manifesto is a personal and often publicly declared set of principles, policies, or intentions for addressing contentious public circumstances and situations, and behaving with integrity, honesty, and even good humor.

These are the disciplines (real personal rules) for winning in the irritating, aggravating, agitating environment of being under attack in the news media— personally, politically, or professionally. You can succeed even in the face of contentious people, angry neighbors, negative media coverage, and irritated public officials and relentless pounding in social media. Having coached, then attended dozens and dozens of senior level live fire interviews, public appearances, negotiations, and confrontations, I have identified both failure and success behaviors. The results of these observations are 27 observable and measurable disciplines. This is a workable formula for significantly improving the results of interviews, public appearances, negotiations, and confrontations and other required public performances by senior level individuals. Give it a try.

  1. Speak only for yourself. Say less, write less, but make these communications truly important. Resist speaking for others.
  2. Answer every question. Aim for 75-150 word responses; this is 30-60 seconds reading or speaking time. Honorable organizations, people, programs, and initiatives strive to answer any question, now.
  3. Always let others speak for themselves. When you try to speak for others, you will always be wrong, and attacked or humiliated for being wrong.
  4. Avoid claiming that you agree with your opponents on anything, unless they say so first. Once opponents or allies say it, you may quote them saying it, but always say what you believe to be true and back that up.
  5. Avoid saying that you work closely with public agencies, other helping organizations, or even individuals related to your situation (even if you believe you do), unless they say so first and you then quote them. Otherwise, they can deny it (especially if controversy arises) or point out, as some may quite quickly, that whatever links exist are rather weak. They will then describe those weaknesses or deny that you have any real influence. Those who can and may support you in the future (public or private) must have their status preserved for the long run. Drawing them into your discussion could needlessly make them targets of attack. They will have to abandon or, perhaps, denounce or distance themselves from you.
  6. Assume that everyone in the discussion has more credibility than you do. It’s often true. Your job is to validate your credibility, every time, rather than to discredit others.
  7. Be relentlessly positive (avoid all negative words) and constructive (avoid criticizing and criticism). Both provide the fuel opponents thrive on.
  8. Focus on the truly important 5%; forget the rest. Respond to and develop what truly matters.
  9. Let attackers discredit themselves. Their emotional words and negative, destructive language equals less truth and trustworthiness. Avoid “friends” who suggest this approach. Answering negative charges or accusations will always backfire.
  10. Practice laggership. Speak second but always have the last word.
  11. Remain calm, be positive. Critics, agitators, and bullies are energized by anger, emotionalism, whininess, and negative counter attacks. Strategy 6, Waging Peace\PR Reporter, Strategy 6, Waging Peace, 6-21-99
  12. Silence is always toxic to the accused (you). After a while, even your friends will sacrifice, question you, or sell you out.
  13. Apologies are always in order, provided they contain all of the crucial ingredients of an effective apology. The most constructive structures for apology are in The Five Languages of Apology, a book by Gary Chapman and Jennifer Thomas (The Five Languages of Apology: How to Experience Healing in All Your Relationships, Gary Chapman and Jennifer Thomas; Northfield Publishing, September 1, 2006; ISBN 1881273571). Here, with some paraphrasing and modification based on my experiences, are the ingredients of The Perfect Apology.
  • Regret (acknowledgment): A verbal acknowledgement by the perpetrator that their wrongful behavior caused unnecessary pain, suffering, and hurt that identifies, specifically, what action or behavior is responsible for the pain.
  • Accepting Responsibility (declaration): An unconditional declarative statement by the perpetrator recognizing their wrongful behavior and acknowledging that there is no excuse for the behavior.
  • Restitution (penance): An offer of help or assistance to victims, by the perpetrator; action beyond the words “I’m sorry”; and conduct that assumes the responsibility to make the situation right.
  • Repentance (humility): Language by the perpetrator acknowledging that this behavior caused pain and suffering for which he/she is genuinely sorry; language by the perpetrator recognizing that serious, unnecessary harm and emotional damage was caused.
  • Direct Forgiveness Request: “I was wrong, I hurt you, and I ask you to forgive me.”

The most difficult and challenging aspects of apologizing are the admission of having done something hurtful, damaging, or wrong, and to request forgiveness. Skip even one step and you fail.

14. Have courage, and refuse to be distracted by negativity, friendly pressure, or the agendas of others. It’s you in the spotlight. They are in the shadows. Be especially wary of those who feel that responding empowers others, or that you might look like a sissy for having done it. Either of these outcomes is better than being considered boorish, bullyish, arrogant, or callous.

15. Discourage others from explaining your situation. They will get it wrong. You will be blamed, and they will be attacked. They will then have to abandon you altogether, keep some distance, or attack you to preserve their own credibility.

16. Everything that goes around comes back around. Avoid verbal vegetables, the words phrases, arguments, assertions, and statements you write or say that you know you will have to eat some time in the future.

17.Remember the math of truth: Truth is 15% facts and data and 85% emotion and perception; 65% of truth is point of reference (my backyard or neighborhood). Facts do matter, but addressing the emotional component of issues and questions immediately, continuously, and constructively is essential for success.

18. Be strategic. Say, act, plan, and write with future impact in mind.

19. Prepare to work alone and to be abandoned by just about everyone. Because you will be, at first.

20. Stay at altitude, keep a distance, avoid taking events or actions personally, and be reasoned, appropriate, and direct. Positive and constructive responses tend to disempower those making the attacks.

21. Keep the testosterosis under control. Every bit of negative energy you throw in their direction will multiply by a factor of five to 10, and they will throw it right back at you.

22. Be preemptive. Work in real time. Do it now, fix it now, ask it now, correct it now, challenge it now, and answer it now.

23. Write and speak simply, sensibly, positively, empathetically, and constructively.

24. Avoid trying to discredit anyone, any argument, any evidence, or any movement. Such actions stimulate the creation of more critics and adversaries; who accumulate, hang around, live forever, and search relentlessly to exploit your weaknesses, vulnerabilities, and susceptibilities. Remember, your adversaries have tons of stuff readily available to dump on you should you negatively attack them. They’ve been watching you for months, perhaps longer and are prepared to reload and reshoot in a moment of your irritation. Prove your position with positive, declarative language.

25. Get accustomed to accommodating the long-term, relentlessly negative nature of contentious situations.

26. Correct, clarify, and comment on what matters promptly, but do it all on your own Web site. Avoid joining blogs or conversations outside your site. The latter strategy will suck all of your energy into responding to the agendas of others who are having fun and sleeping well, while you are doing neither. Strategy 28, Control Your Own Destiny, Corrections & Clarifications, 3 Models c 2014\PR Reporter, Strategy 28, Control Your Own Destiny, Corrections & Clarifications, 3 Models c 201426.

    27. It is your destiny. Fail to manage it, and someone else is waiting in the wings to do it for you.

    Special Note:

    This was originally published as an information memo to my clients called, “Avoiding 27 Career Redefining Mistakes.” The response I got was immediate. Most everyone asked me to make a list of positive and constructive actions they can do to avoid those future mistakes. The result is this concise advice.

    Keep it handy.

    Your Mother Was Wrong About One Thing…

    “Words Will Never Hurt You…,” Is a Total Lie, But the Pain is Real and the Suffering Permanent.

    Remember, when you were five years old, and the first time you got beat up and shouted at on the playground by some kid you didn’t even know? Mom and Dad or Grandma and Grandpa said, “There, there…sticks and stones may break your bones, but words will never hurt you!”. By age nine you knew this was a total lie. Abusive, Demeaning, Uncivil, Unconscionable Language and Accusations victimize, producing hidden wounds that last a lifetime.

    When those words and deeds come back to haunt the victims unless they say something, victims always suffer bitterly alone. That’s because wounds from words are:

    • Bloodless
    • Lifelong
    • Invisible
    • Irreversible
    • Revictimizing
    • Scarless
    • Unhealable
    • *Spontaneously Re-victimizing – Just overhearing someone talk about something awful can trigger your sudden devastating reliving of a prior personal experience of anger, fear, terror, and hurt.

    *Sudden spontaneous re-victimizing is suffering when something outrageous in someone else’s life triggers terrible and painful memories from your own life. The anger, terror, fear, and hurt rush back, you can’t stop it. Whenever I talk about sexual harassment, for example, or assault, I assume that at least 40% of the female members in the audience are reliving something awful from their past life.

    In Every Culture:
    There are words and behaviors you can never take back, words that cause lifetime victimization and suffering of others and yourself.
    There are those who use these words and deeds intentionally and devastatingly.

    Here Is What I Believe and You Should Too

    Appalling, questionable, inappropriate, unethical, unconscionable, immoral, predatory, improper, victim-producing, and criminal behaviors are intentional. Adults choose to harm, damage, embarrass, or victimize.

    I Also Believe

    Compassionate, decent, honorable, lawful behaviors, leadership decisions, and moral behaviors are also intentional.

    You Already Know This

    The choice is always clear and always yours.

    Remember and Apply the Ingredients of Decency First

    ApologyTruthfulness
    AuthenticityPromptness
    CandorRespect
    CharitySimplicity
    CompassionTimeliness
    HonestyTransparency
    HopeTruthfullness
    Humility
    1. Keep this list handy near your phone, maybe in your wallet.
    2. When you are tempted to say or do something that might be irritating or offensive, choose an ingredient of decency instead.

    Avoid These Real Causes of Permanent Victimization

    AbuseHumiliation
    ArroganceIgnorance
    Assault, physical and verbalLies
    Bullying, physical and verbalNeglect/negligence
    CallousnessOmission
    CarelessnessSarcasm
    DeceptionShame
    DismissivenessSurprise
    Fear

    Even Worse are Unconscionable Behaviors

    All are unethical, and most are also evil because their use is diabolically intended to harm and victimize the innocent.

    Unconscionable intentions, behaviors, actions, and decisions are those that:

    VilifyDemand or Bully
    DamageAre Mean
    DemeanAre Negative
    DismissInsult
    DiminishDisrepect
    HumiliateDisparage
    Cause Intentional PainAre Tone Deaf
    Express Anger and Irritation, to
    Cause Harm    		Are Without Empathy
    AccuseIntentionally Injure
    Over BearAre Harmfully Restrictive
    Are PunitiveExceed the Boundaries of Decency,
    Civility, and Integrity

    Speak Up

    1. Unconscionable intentions, behaviors, actions, and decisions and their perpetrators need to be called out when you see them or hear of them.
    2. Encourage other witnesses and victims to speak out with you. It’s the only way we can rid ourselves of these behaviors and the people who intentionally abuse us and others with them.

    What Ever Happened to American Journalism?

    The greatest change in our society is the absolute failure of Journalism to join the fight against intentionally unconscionable behavior.

    It is plain and simply the failure to seek truth of any kind. The search every day is for likes and clicks and commercial space. Television has gone to commercial bundles of sometimes as many as ten commercials in a bundle, it’s just totally sick.

    The money to Journalism from evil behavior is too good. Providing platforms for evil is the new Journalism.

    We now live in a YOYO world. We (You) are On Your Own.

    It is time for America to begin to put American Journalism on notice. Time to get back to truth-finding and stop promoting, endorsing, and sanctioning evil.

    It may be already too late.

    • If it’s horrible and terrible, it gets front-page coverage and days of panel discussions on television programs.
    • If it’s good, the goal of Journalism has been for now almost two decades or even longer, that these things must be destroyed.
    • If good things are accomplished, past failures are dug up to destroy any positive value. Liars, provocateurs, and evil get top billing.
    • Anyone who ventures forth to explore what I’ve just talked about is vilified, humiliated, and destroyed.
    • We may find out the answer to the most important question facing American society today: How long can democracy last as it is disassembled and disabled every day?

    We may have that answer in less than three weeks.





    Trump is the Architect of his Own Fate

    He Has Attacked So Many, So Frequently, For So Long

    He has left a lifelong trail of the humiliated, vilified, embarrassed, shamed, slimed, assaulted, victimized, and bullied. He seems to add to his victim lists every day.

    A catalog of Trump’s repeated and often doubled down relentlessly unconscionable, personal public attacks:

    1. Deeds, words, or actions that vilify.
    2. Sarcasm that ridicules and damages, demeans, dismisses, diminishes, and humiliates.
    3. Deeds, words, or actions that are arrogant, causing needless but intentional pain and suffering.
    4. Deeds, words, or actions that clearly express nasty anger and irritation.
    5. Actions that are demanding and bullying.
    6. Deeds, words, or actions that are just plain mean.
    7. Deeds, words, or actions that insult, are corrosive and disrespectful.
    8. Deeds, words, or actions that are disparaging and tone-deaf.
    9. Deeds, words, or actions that:
      1. are callous (without empathy).
      2.  mindlessly injure.
      3. intentionally injure.
      4. spread false accusations and phony suspicion.
      5. exhibit overbearing and overzealousness.
      6. are negative, punitive, and defensive.
      7. far exceed America’s cultural boundaries of decency, civility, and integrity.

    The Personal Damage of These Attacks is Permanent

    Words used as weapons victimize, terrorize, horrify, and paralyze forever.

    Each of these behaviors and words produce walking wounded whose real wounds are:

    • Bloodless
    • Deep and Unhealable
    • Invisible
    • Permanent
    • Personally and Emotionally Destructive
    • Scarless
    • Untreatable

    The impact and personal destructiveness of these insults accumulate and intensify over time.

    His civil litigation docket seems to be an endless stream of victims who keep winning huge judgments against him. He is, of course, a convicted felon.

    This American Jackass, a verbal terrorist, with decades of complicit promotional daily help of American journalism has created countless thousands of walking wounded who follow along behind him, in a bloodless bullied trail of mortally injured refugees, probably hoping that the next attempt will succeed. Regardless of the election outcome, we can expect these Trump behaviors to continue.

    He and only he has brought this on himself. To paraphrase a famous and nearly immortal former Minnesotan, we need to move from the darkness and terror of Trumpism into the bright sunlight of a new and joyful leadership generation, committed to America’s promise of life, liberty, and most of all, the pursuit of happiness.

    The Bottom Line

    Either way, on November 5th, we get to pay the daily multi-million dollar bill for this private citizen’s security.

    • How many children could be fed with all of that money?
    • How many new homes could be financed for first-time home buyers?
    • How many student loans could be retired?
    • How many pregnant women could manage their pregnancies more safely?
    • How many Americans living in poverty could be lifted into the middle class?
    • How many immigrants could legally and safely enter our magical and amazing country?
    • How many homeless could be housed?
    • Add your items here.

    Maybe, if he remains a convicted felon, his rights to federally funded 24/7 security should be terminated. He can then fund his own security.

    What Was Your Secret to Having a Long Marriage? First Responses

    Hello again, when I published the request for questions last month I was a bit surprised at the responses, and also that I could comment on each one. Several had lessons that struck me from our life together, Barbara and I, running a business together, and growing old together.

    You’ll recall the questions was essentially, if you stayed together a long time, what were the circumstances under which you stayed together. In our case, Barbara and I were married for 56 years and she passed away in 2019 from a combination of cancer and Alzheimer’s.

    So, now come along 3 or 4 people I actually knew who responded and I thought some comments from me, based on my experience with Barbara, might be helpful.

    So, here goes.

    Response #1:

    Thanks for the memories, Jim!

    Actually, when we worked together,

    I called you so that I could listen to and speak with Barbara!

    Cheers

    Comment:

    Yes, you and hundreds of other friends and clients every year. If you think back about your calls, if I was in, you wound up talking to me usually withing 30 seconds, whether you wanted to or not. That was her goal for every call. It’s what set us apart from the big guys . . . eventually you got to speak to some helpful person. Within a minute of reaching us you were talking to me.

    The bigger the agency the less likely your account person was even selected in the first week.

    Barbara and I were committed to getting you something in writing with 24 hrs of your call . . . Being first to connect and respond often helped us get and keep the business. Especially when the bigger firms had to make excuses about their proposal or other key information was delayed. Our stuff was on their desk the next morning . . .from me.

    By the time the competitor’s stuff arrived I was at another level and talking budget.

    She remembered everyone, their dog’s name, their mother’s infected toe. Always effusively happily. Her mother Ruth was the happiest woman I have ever known, and she spread it around.

    Barbara was the second happiest person I have ever known. I know where she got it from . . . totally genuine and real.

    Barbara’s real rapport with everyone compensated for my frequent hermit-like behavior. The point is that everything she did was targeted to getting me and the client together, making progress every time there was contact.

    Her life and efforts were always committed to what I needed. I never even realized this for the

    first several years we were married. Guys can be really dense.

    Every year we were together, her commitment to me and my work deepened. That meant for me that every moment we were together, which was almost every moment, I wanted to find ways to acknowledge and actively cherish her efforts. We each found ways every day to acknowledge our loving dependence on each other.

    She worked mainly in the office, tended to our two growing boys, making their lives interesting.  Taught sewing with knits at the local Junior College. Both boys worked in our business for some of their teen years. As the years passed, and these two amazing kids did things we never thought about. We would frequently ask , “where did you learn that?” Invariably they would point at one or both of us.

    Whenever she did come with me, I made it a point to caringly introduce her and mention some specific critical task she was working on for me that day.

    Response #2:

    1. Discuss without the intention of controlling or winning the outcome.
    2. Share household responsibilities, especially the “dirty work” of laundry, clearing the dinner table, washing the dishes, scrubbing the bathroom, taking out the garbage, etc.
    3. In bed, hug warmly to absorb the good pheromones. Do it with the kids, too.
    4. Never force sex and say thank you after.
    5. Talk, talk, talk, don’t argue, argue, argue.
    6. Put your list of agreed-upon, cooperative to-dos on the refrigerator door as a gentle, not provocative, reminder.

    Comment:

    This is pretty negative.

    Barbara and I recognized early on the corrosive and coercive power of negative language. The language above is filled with threats of some harmful result if . . .what?

    The reality came for us with Barbara’s first pregnancy. By herself, she determined that if she was going to be pregnant it was going to be a happy experience. But then the relatives, friends, neighbors, colleagues, even total strangers on the bus, or in a store kept showing up with horror stories.

    Our decision here was one of the most consequential of our lives together.

    No second chances for these negative purveyors of pain and suffering. They were gone. Pronto. Period. We never missed one of them nor did we again fret over handling Uncle Harvey’s abusive behavior. He was gone.

    Here’s my take on this couples togetherness plan:

    1. Discuss the intention of finding a mutually peaceful result…and really find it.
    2. Share all household responsibilities. Make an alphabetic list of all tasks and assign them fairly.
    3. In bed, hug warmly to absorb the good pheromones. Do it with the kids, too.
    4. Encourage sex, make it happy, be grateful, and accept all refusals or deferrals lovingly and joyfully.
    5. Talk, talk, talk, listen, listen, listen. Rely on Barbara’s Eight Ingredients of Happiness at all times. 
    6. Post your list of agreed-upon, cooperative to-dos on the refrigerator door and perhaps on the workbench, if there is one. Simply call it reminders.

    An instructive story:

    Jim Jr’s engagement.

    At the time, we were pretty sure that the girl Jim Jr. was spending time with was going to be the one he asked to marry, and that did come to pass. A whole other story.

    Her family lived in Long Island. Barbara and I were invited to meet them all on a Sunday afternoon. It was a pretty long drive, we were new to the entire New York area, and we soon discovered why Long Island is called Long Island. It is about 100 miles long.

    The result is that we arrived late and it was a chilly mid-winter day. We were greeted warmly at the front door, our coats were taken, and we started to head towards what appeared to be a living room, but it was also quite evident that there was a very serious fight going on verbally with some of the people in that room. As we walked toward the room, we looked at each other, and thought, “What was this all about?” We both decided at the same time, we weren’t going to stay for whatever it was.

    We turned around, got our coats out of the closet, and started heading out the front door when Jim’s fiancé rushed up and asked where we were going. Our response, almost in unison, we don’t do these things this way. Give us a call when things have calmed down. Her mother, whose name is also Barbara, came up and was in shock, but we were determined we weren’t going to hang around for whatever was going on in that house.

    Every day the following week we got a call from Barbara, from Jim’s fiancé, from others in the family that we please return and they promised to “be on our best behavior”. The following Sunday, there was to be a re-acquaintance. This time, we were on time. It was still chilly, and when the front door opened there were about 20 people in a line, each one smiling and saying happy things, but mostly saying, “We’ll be on our best behavior, please stay.” It was actually pretty funny. In fact, it came to be kind of a funny ritual whenever we attended a family event.    

    Response #3:

    We gave each other space and privacy when necessary.

    Comment:

    Our experience was different. Barbara and I constantly looked for ways to be together. We wanted to work together, travel together, do everything in our lives together, and so we did.

    After 56 years of marriage, I can’t recall one circumstance where we chose to separate for any reason. But again, that was Barbara and I. We held hands from the time we were teenagers and that was the talk of the family as well. Everywhere we went, we walked together and held hands.

    So this response is an interesting one. We just hadn’t thought of this as a strategy for building a long-term relationship. But as they say, whatever keeps your boat afloat.

    Response #4:

    When Mama’s Happy, Everybody’s Happy!

    Comment:

    Here again, our situation was somewhat different. There were two Mama’s, Barbara’s mother and Barbara, who were really the happiness merchants in the family. I actually only recall one circumstance where there was just a bit of tension. That was when Barbara and I announced our engagement on a Sunday afternoon in September. Barbara’s mother pulled me aside pretty quickly, looked me in the eye, and said sternly, “James, there will be no weddings in this family until my daughters have careers.” I understood immediately because Ruth’s first husband died of multiple myeloma when Barbara was 10 and her sister Bonny was 2. At the time, she left college to marry her husband and by all accounts, it was an extraordinary match. He drove a laundry truck for Pilgrim Laundry but was a really striking individual and very memorable.

    In fact, I never met him, but they talked about him all the time as though he was coming to dinner that evening. A couple of times I had to ask Barbara’s family members, “He is dead? Isn’t he?” And they assured me he was, but he was just that powerful past family character.

    When I thought of this response in our family situation, the mamas were busy making everybody else happy, but I can certainly relate to this sentiment.

    I certainly hope to hear from more of you about the techniques you use to stay together for many, many years.

    Please send your responses to the question, “How did you stay married for so many years?” to me at jel@e911.com. Subject line: Happiness Responses.

    Barbara’s Eight Ingredients of Happiness

    1. Strive to always say nice things about and to each other in private and publicly every day, everywhere.
     
    2. Avoid saying the two or three divisive, corrosive things we might love to mention every day. Just skip it.
     
    3. Always better to be positive or blah than negative or inflammatory.
     
    4. Keep negative, irritating, needlessly, and intentionally abrasive people out of our lives. Walk away.
     
    5. Happiness is having a simple, sensible, satisfying life every day.
     
    6. Maintain a genuine respect for each other 24.7.
     
    7. Always work to shift the credit for success to each other or others.
     
    8.Be sure your advice is helpful. Before you speak ask yourself, “Is it worth it?”
    ©2024 James E. Lukaszewski

    For information on reprinting or for the use of this material, editing is not permitted, contact the Copyright holder at jel@e911.com.