Blogs

Finding, Learning, and Remembering Life’s Lessons

by Applying Daily Learning Audit Questions
Your Personal Daily Incremental Learning Audit

One benefit of growing older is that every month brings a handful of messages from former clients, students, colleagues, friends, relatives, even strangers. They want to share some episode from their lives where something I said, wrote, discussed, or taught powerfully affected their life’s trajectory.

These notes are always inspiring. I respond in two ways, grateful appreciation and asking these correspondents to please answer several of the following questions, or as many as they care to:

  1.     What’s the most important thing you learned from me?
  2.    What is the most surprising thing you learned from me?
  3.   What’s the most interesting thing you learned from me?
  4.   What’s the most unusual thing you learned from me?
  5.   What’s the most useful thing or idea that you learned from me?
  6. What do you know now that you didn’t know before you heard, saw, talked, or something read from me?
  7. What new questions were raised for which you need answers or deeper questions?
  8. What will/did you do differently based on what you learned from me?
  9. Why did you come to me? 

How I learned to organize my daily learnings, every day

From the earliest days of my career, there was so much to learn every day. I was having trouble retaining and recalling it all. Then I met this amazing young, new CEO I was to be coaching. He asked me to visit him every Tuesday at 5:30pm for an hour. Well, ok. He’s the client and the requests were unusual but reasonable.

After a month of Tuesday meetings, I asked him why he set our weekly meeting the way he did. I will always remember his response and so will you.

He said,” I spend every Tuesday afternoon evaluating what those who work for me have learned from me.” And then he said,” “and, I from them.” “Jim, you come at the end of my learning day to help me truly and powerfully understand and integrate my thinking and their thinking into what we do every day.”

His technique was to ask a handful of important questions, then lean forward and listen carefully. His questions were business related, some technical, some emotional, some calling for judgmental responses.

At that moment I knew I should have been paying him.

Getting Started

I immediately established a set of my own Learning Audit Questions. Everyone took the questions very seriously.

Here’s a set of answers from an assistant who worked for me for one year:

Learning Audit Example #1
Former Assistant (with me 18 months)

Jim, here are my answers to those questions. I hope this is helpful to you.

  1. The most important thing I learned is a quote from your book where you speak about how helping someone else achieve their goal will in turn help you achieve your own goals. 
  2. The most interesting thing I’ve learned is to focus on what can be
    accomplished to look for solutions, always be mindful of the way I’m speaking or writing in correspondence, and to not default to what “cannot be done”. 
  3. The most surprising thing I learned is about myself and how, even though I love writing, I wouldn’t want to write for a living, which is why I’ve enjoyed my work and time as an admin.
  4. The most useful thing I’ve learned is just the importance of tracking, maintaining, and creating a process and system for organization not just of material and content, but also of life things.
Learning Audit Example #2 Former client in mid-career, years ago with me 2.5 years

Jim, In terms of your questions:

  1. What is/was the most important thing you learned from me?
    a. The importance of being a verbal visionary and how to achieve that
    b. Use of power words, especially for women
    c. Know your client’s/leader’s business and their concerns and perspectives
    d. Don’t be afraid to raise tough questions
  2. What is/was the most surprising thing you learned from me?
    a.    The critical need to identify and care for victims – and they aren’t always who you think they are.
    b.   The importance of face-to-face comms – with internal and external audiences. The power of this became crystal clear when I helped implement your strategy for the Venice Hospital sale.
  3. What is/was the most interesting thing you learned from me?
    What leaders need and want – options, candor, straight talk.
  4. What is/was the most memorable thing you learned or observed about me?
    How you communicated with leaders and held their attention!
  5. What are/were some important questions that you needed answers following our work together?

    How can I continue to improve?
  6. What do you do differently now because of our working together?
    Many things!
    a. Stopped preparing long documents of strategies and options.
    b. Learned to think more on my feet and respond verbally, immediately.
    c. You made me a much better strategist and counselor.

    7. Question 9

    Quite often, Question # 9 triggers a conversation. “Why did you come to me?” Here is an answer from a senior practitioner and tends to reflect similar answers to this question.

    She said, “I reached out to you because when I think of who has made an impression on my career, you are among a handful. I’ve appreciated your direct and invaluable approach to counseling executives. It’s straight as in forward, considerate, decisive, and anchored in doing the right thing…while being prepared if that doesn’t happen.

    My Recommendations for you

    Whatever the stage of your career, you can begin using this technique to teach yourself about yourself, a handful of real questions in every evaluation situation. Keep it simple.

    If I’m seeking evaluation of a presentation, meeting, coaching session, or similar setting, I’m interested in learning what other people learned from spending time with me, from their perspective. If I am going to take some participant’s time with a survey it should be:

    1. Brief, 5 questions is the ideal length. You can always follow up with more.
    2. Help them learn about what they learned during their program or experience with you, while also helping you learn about yourself. 
    3. What to avoid.

    Avoid #1. Surveys that just collect data mindlessly and without purpose. It’s irritating. Stop participating. Focus on fact and truth-gathering approaches as advocated here.

    Avoid #2. Forced answer polls/surveys. Forced answers corrode and contaminate survey results. Forced answering is forced lying that produces mis or disinformation. STOP It. Avoid any data gathering using forced answers. Survey Monkey always uses forced answers. All Monkey Surveys and surveys requiring forced answers are garbage.

    Avoid #3 Lying. Expose lying. The more lies you or others you know fabricate and compound, the deeper the truth gets hidden and harder to find.

    • Allegories
    • Analogies
    • Euphemism
    • Lies
    • Metaphors
    • “Nuanced Descriptions”
    • Obfuscation
    • Stories – are never the truth.
    • Translations, “in other words…”

      Look familiar?  Yes, we use some of these tools and techniques when trying to avoid the truth. In the end it’s a lot easier to be simple, sensible, positive, declarative and plainly truthful.
       
      Truth avoidance is the greatest contributor to confusion, doubt, suspicion and needless usually permanent trust damage.
       
      To be continued.

LUKASZEWSKI’S CONTENTION SURVIVAL MANIFESTO

Keeping Yourself and the Things That Matter Under Control

This manifesto is a personal and often publicly declared set of principles, policies, or intentions for addressing contentious public circumstances and situations, and behaving with integrity, honesty, and even good humor.

These are the disciplines (real personal rules) for winning in the irritating, aggravating, agitating environment of being under attack in the news media— personally, politically, or professionally. You can succeed even in the face of contentious people, angry neighbors, negative media coverage, and irritated public officials and relentless pounding in social media. Having coached, then attended dozens and dozens of senior level live fire interviews, public appearances, negotiations, and confrontations, I have identified both failure and success behaviors. The results of these observations are 27 observable and measurable disciplines. This is a workable formula for significantly improving the results of interviews, public appearances, negotiations, and confrontations and other required public performances by senior level individuals. Give it a try.

  1. Speak only for yourself. Say less, write less, but make these communications truly important. Resist speaking for others.
  2. Answer every question. Aim for 75-150 word responses; this is 30-60 seconds reading or speaking time. Honorable organizations, people, programs, and initiatives strive to answer any question, now.
  3. Always let others speak for themselves. When you try to speak for others, you will always be wrong, and attacked or humiliated for being wrong.
  4. Avoid claiming that you agree with your opponents on anything, unless they say so first. Once opponents or allies say it, you may quote them saying it, but always say what you believe to be true and back that up.
  5. Avoid saying that you work closely with public agencies, other helping organizations, or even individuals related to your situation (even if you believe you do), unless they say so first and you then quote them. Otherwise, they can deny it (especially if controversy arises) or point out, as some may quite quickly, that whatever links exist are rather weak. They will then describe those weaknesses or deny that you have any real influence. Those who can and may support you in the future (public or private) must have their status preserved for the long run. Drawing them into your discussion could needlessly make them targets of attack. They will have to abandon or, perhaps, denounce or distance themselves from you.
  6. Assume that everyone in the discussion has more credibility than you do. It’s often true. Your job is to validate your credibility, every time, rather than to discredit others.
  7. Be relentlessly positive (avoid all negative words) and constructive (avoid criticizing and criticism). Both provide the fuel opponents thrive on.
  8. Focus on the truly important 5%; forget the rest. Respond to and develop what truly matters.
  9. Let attackers discredit themselves. Their emotional words and negative, destructive language equals less truth and trustworthiness. Avoid “friends” who suggest this approach. Answering negative charges or accusations will always backfire.
  10. Practice laggership. Speak second but always have the last word.
  11. Remain calm, be positive. Critics, agitators, and bullies are energized by anger, emotionalism, whininess, and negative counter attacks. Strategy 6, Waging Peace\PR Reporter, Strategy 6, Waging Peace, 6-21-99
  12. Silence is always toxic to the accused (you). After a while, even your friends will sacrifice, question you, or sell you out.
  13. Apologies are always in order, provided they contain all of the crucial ingredients of an effective apology. The most constructive structures for apology are in The Five Languages of Apology, a book by Gary Chapman and Jennifer Thomas (The Five Languages of Apology: How to Experience Healing in All Your Relationships, Gary Chapman and Jennifer Thomas; Northfield Publishing, September 1, 2006; ISBN 1881273571). Here, with some paraphrasing and modification based on my experiences, are the ingredients of The Perfect Apology.
  • Regret (acknowledgment): A verbal acknowledgement by the perpetrator that their wrongful behavior caused unnecessary pain, suffering, and hurt that identifies, specifically, what action or behavior is responsible for the pain.
  • Accepting Responsibility (declaration): An unconditional declarative statement by the perpetrator recognizing their wrongful behavior and acknowledging that there is no excuse for the behavior.
  • Restitution (penance): An offer of help or assistance to victims, by the perpetrator; action beyond the words “I’m sorry”; and conduct that assumes the responsibility to make the situation right.
  • Repentance (humility): Language by the perpetrator acknowledging that this behavior caused pain and suffering for which he/she is genuinely sorry; language by the perpetrator recognizing that serious, unnecessary harm and emotional damage was caused.
  • Direct Forgiveness Request: “I was wrong, I hurt you, and I ask you to forgive me.”

The most difficult and challenging aspects of apologizing are the admission of having done something hurtful, damaging, or wrong, and to request forgiveness. Skip even one step and you fail.

14. Have courage, and refuse to be distracted by negativity, friendly pressure, or the agendas of others. It’s you in the spotlight. They are in the shadows. Be especially wary of those who feel that responding empowers others, or that you might look like a sissy for having done it. Either of these outcomes is better than being considered boorish, bullyish, arrogant, or callous.

15. Discourage others from explaining your situation. They will get it wrong. You will be blamed, and they will be attacked. They will then have to abandon you altogether, keep some distance, or attack you to preserve their own credibility.

16. Everything that goes around comes back around. Avoid verbal vegetables, the words phrases, arguments, assertions, and statements you write or say that you know you will have to eat some time in the future.

17.Remember the math of truth: Truth is 15% facts and data and 85% emotion and perception; 65% of truth is point of reference (my backyard or neighborhood). Facts do matter, but addressing the emotional component of issues and questions immediately, continuously, and constructively is essential for success.

18. Be strategic. Say, act, plan, and write with future impact in mind.

19. Prepare to work alone and to be abandoned by just about everyone. Because you will be, at first.

20. Stay at altitude, keep a distance, avoid taking events or actions personally, and be reasoned, appropriate, and direct. Positive and constructive responses tend to disempower those making the attacks.

21. Keep the testosterosis under control. Every bit of negative energy you throw in their direction will multiply by a factor of five to 10, and they will throw it right back at you.

22. Be preemptive. Work in real time. Do it now, fix it now, ask it now, correct it now, challenge it now, and answer it now.

23. Write and speak simply, sensibly, positively, empathetically, and constructively.

24. Avoid trying to discredit anyone, any argument, any evidence, or any movement. Such actions stimulate the creation of more critics and adversaries; who accumulate, hang around, live forever, and search relentlessly to exploit your weaknesses, vulnerabilities, and susceptibilities. Remember, your adversaries have tons of stuff readily available to dump on you should you negatively attack them. They’ve been watching you for months, perhaps longer and are prepared to reload and reshoot in a moment of your irritation. Prove your position with positive, declarative language.

25. Get accustomed to accommodating the long-term, relentlessly negative nature of contentious situations.

26. Correct, clarify, and comment on what matters promptly, but do it all on your own Web site. Avoid joining blogs or conversations outside your site. The latter strategy will suck all of your energy into responding to the agendas of others who are having fun and sleeping well, while you are doing neither. Strategy 28, Control Your Own Destiny, Corrections & Clarifications, 3 Models c 2014\PR Reporter, Strategy 28, Control Your Own Destiny, Corrections & Clarifications, 3 Models c 201426.

    27. It is your destiny. Fail to manage it, and someone else is waiting in the wings to do it for you.

    Special Note:

    This was originally published as an information memo to my clients called, “Avoiding 27 Career Redefining Mistakes.” The response I got was immediate. Most everyone asked me to make a list of positive and constructive actions they can do to avoid those future mistakes. The result is this concise advice.

    Keep it handy.

    Your Mother Was Wrong About One Thing…

    “Words Will Never Hurt You…,” Is a Total Lie, But the Pain is Real and the Suffering Permanent.

    Remember, when you were five years old, and the first time you got beat up and shouted at on the playground by some kid you didn’t even know? Mom and Dad or Grandma and Grandpa said, “There, there…sticks and stones may break your bones, but words will never hurt you!”. By age nine you knew this was a total lie. Abusive, Demeaning, Uncivil, Unconscionable Language and Accusations victimize, producing hidden wounds that last a lifetime.

    When those words and deeds come back to haunt the victims unless they say something, victims always suffer bitterly alone. That’s because wounds from words are:

    • Bloodless
    • Lifelong
    • Invisible
    • Irreversible
    • Revictimizing
    • Scarless
    • Unhealable
    • *Spontaneously Re-victimizing – Just overhearing someone talk about something awful can trigger your sudden devastating reliving of a prior personal experience of anger, fear, terror, and hurt.

    *Sudden spontaneous re-victimizing is suffering when something outrageous in someone else’s life triggers terrible and painful memories from your own life. The anger, terror, fear, and hurt rush back, you can’t stop it. Whenever I talk about sexual harassment, for example, or assault, I assume that at least 40% of the female members in the audience are reliving something awful from their past life.

    In Every Culture:
    There are words and behaviors you can never take back, words that cause lifetime victimization and suffering of others and yourself.
    There are those who use these words and deeds intentionally and devastatingly.

    Here Is What I Believe and You Should Too

    Appalling, questionable, inappropriate, unethical, unconscionable, immoral, predatory, improper, victim-producing, and criminal behaviors are intentional. Adults choose to harm, damage, embarrass, or victimize.

    I Also Believe

    Compassionate, decent, honorable, lawful behaviors, leadership decisions, and moral behaviors are also intentional.

    You Already Know This

    The choice is always clear and always yours.

    Remember and Apply the Ingredients of Decency First

    ApologyTruthfulness
    AuthenticityPromptness
    CandorRespect
    CharitySimplicity
    CompassionTimeliness
    HonestyTransparency
    HopeTruthfullness
    Humility
    1. Keep this list handy near your phone, maybe in your wallet.
    2. When you are tempted to say or do something that might be irritating or offensive, choose an ingredient of decency instead.

    Avoid These Real Causes of Permanent Victimization

    AbuseHumiliation
    ArroganceIgnorance
    Assault, physical and verbalLies
    Bullying, physical and verbalNeglect/negligence
    CallousnessOmission
    CarelessnessSarcasm
    DeceptionShame
    DismissivenessSurprise
    Fear

    Even Worse are Unconscionable Behaviors

    All are unethical, and most are also evil because their use is diabolically intended to harm and victimize the innocent.

    Unconscionable intentions, behaviors, actions, and decisions are those that:

    VilifyDemand or Bully
    DamageAre Mean
    DemeanAre Negative
    DismissInsult
    DiminishDisrepect
    HumiliateDisparage
    Cause Intentional PainAre Tone Deaf
    Express Anger and Irritation, to
    Cause Harm    		Are Without Empathy
    AccuseIntentionally Injure
    Over BearAre Harmfully Restrictive
    Are PunitiveExceed the Boundaries of Decency,
    Civility, and Integrity

    Speak Up

    1. Unconscionable intentions, behaviors, actions, and decisions and their perpetrators need to be called out when you see them or hear of them.
    2. Encourage other witnesses and victims to speak out with you. It’s the only way we can rid ourselves of these behaviors and the people who intentionally abuse us and others with them.

    What Ever Happened to American Journalism?

    The greatest change in our society is the absolute failure of Journalism to join the fight against intentionally unconscionable behavior.

    It is plain and simply the failure to seek truth of any kind. The search every day is for likes and clicks and commercial space. Television has gone to commercial bundles of sometimes as many as ten commercials in a bundle, it’s just totally sick.

    The money to Journalism from evil behavior is too good. Providing platforms for evil is the new Journalism.

    We now live in a YOYO world. We (You) are On Your Own.

    It is time for America to begin to put American Journalism on notice. Time to get back to truth-finding and stop promoting, endorsing, and sanctioning evil.

    It may be already too late.

    • If it’s horrible and terrible, it gets front-page coverage and days of panel discussions on television programs.
    • If it’s good, the goal of Journalism has been for now almost two decades or even longer, that these things must be destroyed.
    • If good things are accomplished, past failures are dug up to destroy any positive value. Liars, provocateurs, and evil get top billing.
    • Anyone who ventures forth to explore what I’ve just talked about is vilified, humiliated, and destroyed.
    • We may find out the answer to the most important question facing American society today: How long can democracy last as it is disassembled and disabled every day?

    We may have that answer in less than three weeks.





    Trump is the Architect of his Own Fate

    He Has Attacked So Many, So Frequently, For So Long

    He has left a lifelong trail of the humiliated, vilified, embarrassed, shamed, slimed, assaulted, victimized, and bullied. He seems to add to his victim lists every day.

    A catalog of Trump’s repeated and often doubled down relentlessly unconscionable, personal public attacks:

    1. Deeds, words, or actions that vilify.
    2. Sarcasm that ridicules and damages, demeans, dismisses, diminishes, and humiliates.
    3. Deeds, words, or actions that are arrogant, causing needless but intentional pain and suffering.
    4. Deeds, words, or actions that clearly express nasty anger and irritation.
    5. Actions that are demanding and bullying.
    6. Deeds, words, or actions that are just plain mean.
    7. Deeds, words, or actions that insult, are corrosive and disrespectful.
    8. Deeds, words, or actions that are disparaging and tone-deaf.
    9. Deeds, words, or actions that:
      1. are callous (without empathy).
      2.  mindlessly injure.
      3. intentionally injure.
      4. spread false accusations and phony suspicion.
      5. exhibit overbearing and overzealousness.
      6. are negative, punitive, and defensive.
      7. far exceed America’s cultural boundaries of decency, civility, and integrity.

    The Personal Damage of These Attacks is Permanent

    Words used as weapons victimize, terrorize, horrify, and paralyze forever.

    Each of these behaviors and words produce walking wounded whose real wounds are:

    • Bloodless
    • Deep and Unhealable
    • Invisible
    • Permanent
    • Personally and Emotionally Destructive
    • Scarless
    • Untreatable

    The impact and personal destructiveness of these insults accumulate and intensify over time.

    His civil litigation docket seems to be an endless stream of victims who keep winning huge judgments against him. He is, of course, a convicted felon.

    This American Jackass, a verbal terrorist, with decades of complicit promotional daily help of American journalism has created countless thousands of walking wounded who follow along behind him, in a bloodless bullied trail of mortally injured refugees, probably hoping that the next attempt will succeed. Regardless of the election outcome, we can expect these Trump behaviors to continue.

    He and only he has brought this on himself. To paraphrase a famous and nearly immortal former Minnesotan, we need to move from the darkness and terror of Trumpism into the bright sunlight of a new and joyful leadership generation, committed to America’s promise of life, liberty, and most of all, the pursuit of happiness.

    The Bottom Line

    Either way, on November 5th, we get to pay the daily multi-million dollar bill for this private citizen’s security.

    • How many children could be fed with all of that money?
    • How many new homes could be financed for first-time home buyers?
    • How many student loans could be retired?
    • How many pregnant women could manage their pregnancies more safely?
    • How many Americans living in poverty could be lifted into the middle class?
    • How many immigrants could legally and safely enter our magical and amazing country?
    • How many homeless could be housed?
    • Add your items here.

    Maybe, if he remains a convicted felon, his rights to federally funded 24/7 security should be terminated. He can then fund his own security.

    What Was Your Secret to Having a Long Marriage? First Responses

    Hello again, when I published the request for questions last month I was a bit surprised at the responses, and also that I could comment on each one. Several had lessons that struck me from our life together, Barbara and I, running a business together, and growing old together.

    You’ll recall the questions was essentially, if you stayed together a long time, what were the circumstances under which you stayed together. In our case, Barbara and I were married for 56 years and she passed away in 2019 from a combination of cancer and Alzheimer’s.

    So, now come along 3 or 4 people I actually knew who responded and I thought some comments from me, based on my experience with Barbara, might be helpful.

    So, here goes.

    Response #1:

    Thanks for the memories, Jim!

    Actually, when we worked together,

    I called you so that I could listen to and speak with Barbara!

    Cheers

    Comment:

    Yes, you and hundreds of other friends and clients every year. If you think back about your calls, if I was in, you wound up talking to me usually withing 30 seconds, whether you wanted to or not. That was her goal for every call. It’s what set us apart from the big guys . . . eventually you got to speak to some helpful person. Within a minute of reaching us you were talking to me.

    The bigger the agency the less likely your account person was even selected in the first week.

    Barbara and I were committed to getting you something in writing with 24 hrs of your call . . . Being first to connect and respond often helped us get and keep the business. Especially when the bigger firms had to make excuses about their proposal or other key information was delayed. Our stuff was on their desk the next morning . . .from me.

    By the time the competitor’s stuff arrived I was at another level and talking budget.

    She remembered everyone, their dog’s name, their mother’s infected toe. Always effusively happily. Her mother Ruth was the happiest woman I have ever known, and she spread it around.

    Barbara was the second happiest person I have ever known. I know where she got it from . . . totally genuine and real.

    Barbara’s real rapport with everyone compensated for my frequent hermit-like behavior. The point is that everything she did was targeted to getting me and the client together, making progress every time there was contact.

    Her life and efforts were always committed to what I needed. I never even realized this for the

    first several years we were married. Guys can be really dense.

    Every year we were together, her commitment to me and my work deepened. That meant for me that every moment we were together, which was almost every moment, I wanted to find ways to acknowledge and actively cherish her efforts. We each found ways every day to acknowledge our loving dependence on each other.

    She worked mainly in the office, tended to our two growing boys, making their lives interesting.  Taught sewing with knits at the local Junior College. Both boys worked in our business for some of their teen years. As the years passed, and these two amazing kids did things we never thought about. We would frequently ask , “where did you learn that?” Invariably they would point at one or both of us.

    Whenever she did come with me, I made it a point to caringly introduce her and mention some specific critical task she was working on for me that day.

    Response #2:

    1. Discuss without the intention of controlling or winning the outcome.
    2. Share household responsibilities, especially the “dirty work” of laundry, clearing the dinner table, washing the dishes, scrubbing the bathroom, taking out the garbage, etc.
    3. In bed, hug warmly to absorb the good pheromones. Do it with the kids, too.
    4. Never force sex and say thank you after.
    5. Talk, talk, talk, don’t argue, argue, argue.
    6. Put your list of agreed-upon, cooperative to-dos on the refrigerator door as a gentle, not provocative, reminder.

    Comment:

    This is pretty negative.

    Barbara and I recognized early on the corrosive and coercive power of negative language. The language above is filled with threats of some harmful result if . . .what?

    The reality came for us with Barbara’s first pregnancy. By herself, she determined that if she was going to be pregnant it was going to be a happy experience. But then the relatives, friends, neighbors, colleagues, even total strangers on the bus, or in a store kept showing up with horror stories.

    Our decision here was one of the most consequential of our lives together.

    No second chances for these negative purveyors of pain and suffering. They were gone. Pronto. Period. We never missed one of them nor did we again fret over handling Uncle Harvey’s abusive behavior. He was gone.

    Here’s my take on this couples togetherness plan:

    1. Discuss the intention of finding a mutually peaceful result…and really find it.
    2. Share all household responsibilities. Make an alphabetic list of all tasks and assign them fairly.
    3. In bed, hug warmly to absorb the good pheromones. Do it with the kids, too.
    4. Encourage sex, make it happy, be grateful, and accept all refusals or deferrals lovingly and joyfully.
    5. Talk, talk, talk, listen, listen, listen. Rely on Barbara’s Eight Ingredients of Happiness at all times. 
    6. Post your list of agreed-upon, cooperative to-dos on the refrigerator door and perhaps on the workbench, if there is one. Simply call it reminders.

    An instructive story:

    Jim Jr’s engagement.

    At the time, we were pretty sure that the girl Jim Jr. was spending time with was going to be the one he asked to marry, and that did come to pass. A whole other story.

    Her family lived in Long Island. Barbara and I were invited to meet them all on a Sunday afternoon. It was a pretty long drive, we were new to the entire New York area, and we soon discovered why Long Island is called Long Island. It is about 100 miles long.

    The result is that we arrived late and it was a chilly mid-winter day. We were greeted warmly at the front door, our coats were taken, and we started to head towards what appeared to be a living room, but it was also quite evident that there was a very serious fight going on verbally with some of the people in that room. As we walked toward the room, we looked at each other, and thought, “What was this all about?” We both decided at the same time, we weren’t going to stay for whatever it was.

    We turned around, got our coats out of the closet, and started heading out the front door when Jim’s fiancé rushed up and asked where we were going. Our response, almost in unison, we don’t do these things this way. Give us a call when things have calmed down. Her mother, whose name is also Barbara, came up and was in shock, but we were determined we weren’t going to hang around for whatever was going on in that house.

    Every day the following week we got a call from Barbara, from Jim’s fiancé, from others in the family that we please return and they promised to “be on our best behavior”. The following Sunday, there was to be a re-acquaintance. This time, we were on time. It was still chilly, and when the front door opened there were about 20 people in a line, each one smiling and saying happy things, but mostly saying, “We’ll be on our best behavior, please stay.” It was actually pretty funny. In fact, it came to be kind of a funny ritual whenever we attended a family event.    

    Response #3:

    We gave each other space and privacy when necessary.

    Comment:

    Our experience was different. Barbara and I constantly looked for ways to be together. We wanted to work together, travel together, do everything in our lives together, and so we did.

    After 56 years of marriage, I can’t recall one circumstance where we chose to separate for any reason. But again, that was Barbara and I. We held hands from the time we were teenagers and that was the talk of the family as well. Everywhere we went, we walked together and held hands.

    So this response is an interesting one. We just hadn’t thought of this as a strategy for building a long-term relationship. But as they say, whatever keeps your boat afloat.

    Response #4:

    When Mama’s Happy, Everybody’s Happy!

    Comment:

    Here again, our situation was somewhat different. There were two Mama’s, Barbara’s mother and Barbara, who were really the happiness merchants in the family. I actually only recall one circumstance where there was just a bit of tension. That was when Barbara and I announced our engagement on a Sunday afternoon in September. Barbara’s mother pulled me aside pretty quickly, looked me in the eye, and said sternly, “James, there will be no weddings in this family until my daughters have careers.” I understood immediately because Ruth’s first husband died of multiple myeloma when Barbara was 10 and her sister Bonny was 2. At the time, she left college to marry her husband and by all accounts, it was an extraordinary match. He drove a laundry truck for Pilgrim Laundry but was a really striking individual and very memorable.

    In fact, I never met him, but they talked about him all the time as though he was coming to dinner that evening. A couple of times I had to ask Barbara’s family members, “He is dead? Isn’t he?” And they assured me he was, but he was just that powerful past family character.

    When I thought of this response in our family situation, the mamas were busy making everybody else happy, but I can certainly relate to this sentiment.

    I certainly hope to hear from more of you about the techniques you use to stay together for many, many years.

    Please send your responses to the question, “How did you stay married for so many years?” to me at jel@e911.com. Subject line: Happiness Responses.

    Barbara’s Eight Ingredients of Happiness

    1. Strive to always say nice things about and to each other in private and publicly every day, everywhere.
     
    2. Avoid saying the two or three divisive, corrosive things we might love to mention every day. Just skip it.
     
    3. Always better to be positive or blah than negative or inflammatory.
     
    4. Keep negative, irritating, needlessly, and intentionally abrasive people out of our lives. Walk away.
     
    5. Happiness is having a simple, sensible, satisfying life every day.
     
    6. Maintain a genuine respect for each other 24.7.
     
    7. Always work to shift the credit for success to each other or others.
     
    8.Be sure your advice is helpful. Before you speak ask yourself, “Is it worth it?”
    ©2024 James E. Lukaszewski

    For information on reprinting or for the use of this material, editing is not permitted, contact the Copyright holder at jel@e911.com.

    Lukaszewski’s Lexicon of Democracy’s Enemies (Joy is the Antidote!)

    By James E. Lukaszewski, ABC, Fellow IABC, APR, Fellow PRSA, BEPS Emeritus

    Normally, I abhor long lists of anything. In the case of Unconscionable Behavior, we need to be as explicit, detailed, and meaningfully specific as we can, to identify those predator and perpetrator behaviors that need to be recognized, counterattacked, and eradicated from our lives and culture. Decencies enemies are intentionally bad decisions, actions, and negative, often EVIL (to intentionally injure the innocent).

    Democracy’s Enemies

    These Behaviors, Actions, Intentions, and Deeds are Also the Enemies of Decency and Civility

    1. Arrogance: deciding serious matters without consulting or sometimes deceiving victims.
    2. Beyond the boundaries of decency, civility, and integrity: your belly button will warn you.
    3. Blind Eyes: the greatest single enabler of inappropriate, unethical, toxic, and unconscionable behavior.
    4. Bullying: sometimes physical, but mostly coercive, threatening, embarrassing, and intimidating language; causing permanent emotional and psychological injury.
    5. Cheerleading: cheerleading the actions of decency’s enemies.
    6. Defaming: intentionally giving information and data in ways that embarrass, intimidate, and often silence victims or opponents.
    7. Demeaning: language that intentionally humiliates, is embarrassing, and meanspirited.
    8. Dismissiveness: intentionally undervaluing other people and their ideas and beliefs.
    9. Disparaging: deliberate disrespect, sometimes ridicule, often sarcastic.
    10. Disrespectfulness: acidic, demeaning, intentional denial and ridicule of respect.
    11. False suspiciousness: lying about facts and evidence, falsely casting doubt.
    12. Humiliation: intentional degradation of an individual. Intentionally causing fear, embarrassment, and mortification.
    13. Intentional embarrassment: Amplifying or magnifying mistakes and errors, obvious needless humiliation.
    14. Intentionally Injurious: done with malice; inflicting permanent, unrecoverable damage.
    15. Intentionally Irritating: behaviors, language, and actions that agitate and irritate.
    16. Intentionally Painful: designed to hurt, damage, be unexplainable, and unrespondable.
    17. Intentionally Victimizing: knowingly and with premeditation; psychologically, emotionally, and sometimes physically traumatizing a human being.
    18. Meanness: acting with malice, disrespect, and wickedness.
    19. Negative Surprise: falsely luring someone into a “positive event” when the intention is to embarrass, humiliate, and vilify. 
    20. Overbearing: domineering, dictatorial, rudely arrogant, overwhelmingly negative, deliberate meanness.
    21. Overzealousness: excessive negative zeal and/or devotion or diligence.
    22. Punishing: intentionally punishing abusiveness designed to hurt.
    23. Ridicule: words, behaviors, and actions that create contempt, disrespect, and often inappropriate laughter or enjoyment of someone else’s pain and suffering.
    24. Sarcasm: bitter, derisive, or ironic language designed to embarrass, humiliate, and taunt. Jeering.
    25. Silence: the most common form of turning a blind eye. It’s just easier to ignore or dodge recognizing how toxic unconscionable behaviors and language are.
    26. Tone Deafness: intentionally failing to recognize, correct, or condemn harmful, disrespectful, disdainful, and often victimizing language, behaviors, and decisions. 
    27. Unfounded Accusations: careless and often intentionally erroneous allegations which demean, deflect, disdain, irritate, agitate, and are often seemingly hateful and unanswerable.
    28. Vengeance: infliction of injury, harm, humiliation, violent acts or the like, on a person by another who has been harmed by that person. (Dictionary.com)
    29. Victimization: a personal state of psychological or emotional injury that is generally permanent. A state of adversity when a human feels helpless, hopeless, suspicious, put upon, and innocent.
    30. Vilification: to describe something or someone with overwhelming vileness and villainous intent. Intentionally seeking to harm, mutilate, terrorize, and permanently incapacitate and injure the innocent.

    Your instructions:

    Stay away from, expose, abandon, expel, condemn, cancel, distance yourself, warn others, attack, deny, disconnect, abhor, light up, shout down. Relentlessly attack anyone, organization, political party, politician, religious, bogusfully righteous, practitioners of unconscionable behaviors, actions, deeds, and intentions.

    Joy is the Antidote to All

    What is Joy?
    How do you find/get/make it?

    Barbara’s* Eight Ingredients of Joy

    1. Strive to always say nice things about and to each other in private and publicly every day, everywhere. Work at it. Be creative.
    2. Avoid saying the two or three divisive, corrosive things we might love to mention every day. Just skip it.
    3. Always better to be positive or blah than negative or inflammatory.
    4. Keep negative, irritating, needlessly, and intentionally abrasive people out of our lives. Just walk away. Stay away.
    5. Happiness is striving to have and help other a simple, sensible, satisfying life every day.
    6. Maintain a genuine respect for each other, and others 24/7.
    7. Always work to shift the credit for success to each other or others.
    8. Be sure your advice is helpful. Before you speak, ask yourself, “Is it worth it?”
     
    *Barbara Lukaszewski 1944-2019

    The 8th Ingredient of Happiness

    ©2024 James E. Lukaszewski

    For information on reprinting or for the use of this material, editing is not permitted, contact the Copyright holder at jel@e911.com.

    What Gives With CNN?

    What is a commercial break? Or is that just another, “Breaking News” lie?

                This service interruption, whatever it is, needs to be prohibited.

    It seems frequently that they seem to add up to 30 minutes per broadcast hour. We should not, as viewers and owners of the airwaves, have to tolerate service interruptions of this magnitude.

    If CNN, which is having financial and success difficulties, can’t afford to create content for these large time blocks, to a level near 50 minutes per hour allowing 10 minutes for commercials each hour, their license should be revoked until they can.

    The spectrum this network occupies should be given away to other interests who can provide genuine content, 24-7.

    ©2024 James E. Lukaszewski

    For information on reprinting or for the use of this material, editing is not permitted, contact the Copyright holder at jel@e911.com.

    10 Ethical Expectations Of Leadership

    The Roadmap to an Ethical Culture

    By James E. Lukaszewski – ABC, Fellow IABC, APR, Fellow PRSA, BEPS Emeritus

    This document was originally developed some 20 years ago following an incredibly serious incident involving a very reputable medical product company and their illegal altering of two key medical products, that were sold to the public without FDA approval. A couple dozen patients died and several hundred needed to have the devices that were inserted in their bodies surgically removed and their bodies repaired.

    It was, at the time, a disaster for the company. But amazingly, the company hired an ethics expert who I advised. A tremendous number of employees and many stakeholder groups were interviewed to determine just how management should have behaved in this crucial and catastrophic event. The results of a couple of years of work were boiled down into this single powerful page. I commend it to you as a model based on real-life experience for how executives should act in an ethical manner during an ethical crisis, and, well, every single day.

    The Roadmap to an Ethical Culture

    1. Find the truth as soon as possible: Tell that truth and act on it promptly.
    2. Promptly raise the tough questions and answer them thoughtfully: This includes asking and answering questions yet to be asked or thought of by those who will be affected by whatever the circumstance is.
    3. Teach by parable: Emphasizing wrong-way/right-way options. Brief true stories, that are people-oriented, in plain language, positive, with self-evident truths, constructive lessons, morals, purposes, and powerful action instructions.
    4. Vocalize core business values and ideals constantly: Many core value statements are ideas thought up on a management golf outing, brought in on the back of a clubhouse napkin, then printed and posted without another word being spoken. The values and ideals of a business should be what employees and others bring to work every day.
    5. Walk the talk: Be accessible; help people understand the organization within the context of its values and ideals at every opportunity.
    6. Help, expect, and enforce ethical leadership: People are watching their leaders; people are counting; people know when there are lapses in ethics causing trust to be broken. When bad things happen in good organizations, it’s those occasional lapses that deepen the troubles.
    7. Preserve, protect, defend, and foster ethical pathways to the top of the organization: Constantly identify, explain, explore, and warn about situations where ethical processes can be compromised, especially among more junior executives who are on upward career trajectories.
    8. Be a cheerleader, model, and teacher of ethical behavior: Ethical behavior builds and maintains trust. In fact, to have trust in an organization requires that its leaders act ethically constantly.
    9. Make values at least equal to profits or personal gain: Most people seem to enjoy working more in organizations they respect, people they trust, and leadership they can rely on.
    10. Value everyone and be respectful: Being respected has a more personal impact than any perk, recognition, accolade, or even raises. Feelings of acceptance and respect are the two principle forces that drive employees back to work every day.

    The Lesson

    The main lesson of this roadmap is that it is continuously used, reused, explained, and reinterpreted at every meeting, gathering, event, and circumstance where employees and perhaps their families are gathering. Where, the most junior executive or manager in the room steps up and picks one of these pathways and tells a story, solicits other stories from the people in the audience. The habit is developed where one of these values is talked about at every opportunity.

    The Script for the Conversations

    1. What are the most important aspects we should consider about this particular pathway?
    2. What are the most interesting things we can think about when employing this pathway?
    3. What are the most memorable aspects of this particular pathway?
    4. What questions does this pathway raise that our organization needs to respond and clarify?
    5. What will be done differently tomorrow based on what we talked about today?

    ©2024 James E. Lukaszewski

    For information on reprinting or for the use of this material, editing is not permitted, contact the Copyright holder at jel@e911.com.